


we wanted to be the sky

by nightsolong



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, F/F, Flashbacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-09-22 00:08:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9572957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightsolong/pseuds/nightsolong
Summary: Amelia, drowning in a failed marriage, cheats on Owen with Arizona Robbins. But is it just cheating, or is it something more?or: she will always go back to arizona. in every universe, in every lifetime, amelia chooses her. always.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> i originally posted this a few months ago under a different name, but after i deleted everything and rebooted my account i decided to repost and continue it. let me know what you think.

_ There is a cocoa-colored monkey ironed onto the collar of her lab coat. Amelia is intrigued. _

 

_ It is the first thing she notices about Arizona Robbins when she meets her, one of the only details she is able to take in as the woman rushes over to her and almost-shoves a case file into Amelia’s hands, a rushed yet sincere introduction following the action. They have a patient; there is no time to waste. There never is. _

 

_ “I like your monkey,” Amelia says with a grin, as they hurry down the hall and towards the elevator. Confusion clouds Arizona’s features for a brief moment before the corners of her lips turn upwards in a smile.  _

 

_ “Yeah?” Arizona asks, and Amelia nods. “Yeah. It’s different. I like it.” _

 

* * *

 

_ now  _ —  _ december 2022 _

 

Amelia finds herself glancing at it now, studying the tiny primate and its quirky half-grin in the darkness of the on-call room. It suits Arizona, she thinks. Eight years have passed since they first met, since that fateful day that meant nothing to her then but everything to her now. Because now, she looks at the woman differently; the monkey patch ironed to her coat that was once humorous is now endearing, Arizona’s bright, perky personality that she used to resent she now adores, her smooth blonde hair and full lips that she used to envy she now loves.

 

Loves? 

 

Loves.

 

But there is something very wrong with that.

 

Because she is married to Owen. She loves _ him _ . But for some reason he doesn’t feel like enough, and Amelia knows that she isn’t enough for him. But for Arizona? She could be. She could be enough.

 

“Amelia.” The sound of her name falling from Arizona’s lips, soft and whispered but full of urgency and need, snaps the brunette from her trance. She glances up from the monkey on Arizona’s coat and instead focuses on her eyes, beautiful blue eyes that are shining with desire. They are only inches apart; Amelia can feel the other woman’s breath hot against her cheek, and is incredibly aware of their bodies leaning into each other. 

 

They are in an on-call room, eyes locked and arms brushing, and all Amelia knows is that she really, really wants to kiss her.

 

(There is something very wrong with that.)

 

“Amelia,” the blonde says again, her voice just above a whisper. “We can’t… We shouldn’t…” She trails off for a moment, eyes lowering to the floor. Seconds pass. Amelia uses the rapid beat of her heart to count them.

 

_ One one thousand. Two one thousand. Three one thousand. Four one thous _ —

 

“You’re married,” Arizona whispers, even as she reaches out and laces her fingers around her wrist. Amelia shivers at the contact. “I know.”

 

_ Six one thousand. Seven one thousand. Eight one thousand. _

 

Arizona leans closer. “We can’t do this.” Her touch is like fire against Amelia’s skin, burning her with a ferocity that is foreign to her. “I know,” she whispers, and she  _ does _ .

 

She just doesn’t care.

 

Amelia doesn’t know who moves forward first. One minute they are apart, nothing but shaky breaths and clammy palms kept to themselves, and the next thing she knows they are together, all swollen lips and discarded clothes and rushed kisses. Arizona pushes her lab coat off her shoulders. Amelia slips her scrub top over her head. Her lips travel from Arizona’s jawline to her neck, peppering hasty kisses on the soft skin. Everything about this woman is soft, she thinks, as Arizona leads her to a bed nestled in the corner.

 

They can’t do this. This is wrong.

 

(She doesn’t stop.)

 

* * *

 

_ before  _ —  _ november 2014 _

 

There is a beginning to this story. It goes like this:

 

Arizona asks her (or begs, rather) to save Dr. Herman’s life. Amelia instantly agrees. At first it is a way to prove herself, a way to step out of Derek’s shadow and show the staff of Grey Sloan just how capable she is, how talented. At first it is a challenge she is eager to take on.

 

But then she spends time with Arizona, more than just the occasional consult or chat at the coffee bar. She spends late nights with her in the lab, perusing Herman’s scans, and takes her lunch over to Arizona’s table, and seeks her out in ways she hadn’t before. She notices the woman’s eyes. They are blue, startlingly blue, especially when she cries.

 

Amelia has seen her cry.

 

.

.

.

 

It’s another one of their late nights in Amelia’s office. Arizona is slumped forward over a desk, and Amelia thinks she is writing notes in the margins of her work, so she pays her no mind. But suddenly she hears a sob fall from the woman’s lips, and sees her shoulders tremble with grief, and it occurs to her that she is crying.

 

“Arizona,” Amelia whispers, unsure of how to react. Should she keep her distance, give the other woman the space she needs, or should she lean in, take Arizona in her arms the way she so desperately wants to? 

 

She doesn’t know. She ends up settling for a hand on her shoulder. 

 

“Everything is falling apart,” Arizona whispers, her voice weak. “My marriage. Herman. Everything.” She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and lets out a sob. “I gave up Callie for this fellowship, and now that Herman is dying... “ Her voice trails off for a moment before she continues. “I have nothing, no one. I'm alone.”

 

Arizona looks up then, and suddenly Amelia is struck by her eyes, the depth in them, the sorrow. The pain. She knows that pain, she thinks. 

 

So she opens her arms and lets Arizona fall into them, holds her tightly as the woman’s tears spill onto the worn fabric of her lab coat. “You’re wrong about that, you know,” she murmurs, and Arizona looks up. Again Amelia is struck by the beauty of those blue eyes.

 

“You aren't alone,” Amelia says, voice timid yet unwavering. “You have me.”

 

.

.

.

 

They grow close without meaning to. It’s impossible not to, almost; they fit together in the best possible way, like pieces solving a puzzle. By the time Amelia realizes what’s happening, it’s too late.

 

* * *

 

_ now  _ —  _ december 2022 _

 

Amelia’s moment with Arizona in the on-call room is brief. She goes home to Owen afterwards.

 

It feels wrong, so very wrong, going home to her husband after cheating on him. But she has no choice. Meredith’s doors are open to her, sure, but Owen is waiting. And anyway, what is she supposed to say? ‘Hi, sorry it’s late, but I just cheated on my husband with the quirky Peds surgeon who happens to be one of your close friends, so I need a place to hide out’?

 

Amelia laughs at the thought, even as her heart sinks into her stomach.

 

Owen is less than pleased with her lateness. “Where have you been?” he asks the moment she walks in, and the tone of his voice is already angry, like he’s been preparing for a fight. Amelia slips her jacket off and hangs it on the doorknob, taking a deep breath. 

 

“I was at work,” she responds, and it isn’t a lie, but it isn’t exactly the truth, either.

 

“You got off two hours ago.”

 

“I had to finish some things up. What, were you expecting me to be home when you got here, with dinner prepared and all, like the perfect little housewife?”

 

Owen sighs. His eyes are cold. “I was expecting you to care enough to show up in a timely fashion.” Amelia laughs, then, actually laughs, because she can’t help it. This is her life now, and it’s almost unbelievable. The man she once loved is now nothing but a nuisance in her eyes, and the perky surgeon she figured she’d only  _ maybe  _ have as a friend is her life.

 

“I’m not in the mood for this, Owen,” she responds, and suddenly her voice is tired. 

 

She expects a fight from him, is already putting her dukes up, but when Amelia turns to him all she sees in his light blue eyes is sadness. They reflect her own. A few moments pass as they stare each other down, Amelia in the doorway and Owen several feet away. His shoulders sag where they were once burly and strong, and she can vaguely make out wrinkles on his forehead, his brow. For the first time, she notices his age.

 

Time has changed them. It has not been kind.

 

“How did we get here?” Owen asks, his gaze clear and fixed on her. It makes Amelia want to flinch.

 

She doesn’t.

 

I don’t know, she wants to say, but knows it isn’t the right answer. There is never a right answer with Owen, or rather, she never knows what it is. Briefly she wonders how that came to be, how Owen went from wanting to know everything about her to not caring at all. How she went from fixated on him to annoyed by his presence.

 

She thinks Owen’s eyes are wet when he speaks again. “How do we make it stop?” 

 

Her eyes are wet, too. She doesn’t respond.

 

(Her silence says everything.)

 

.

.

.

 

Amelia’s secret eats away at her while she sleeps. She tosses and turns throughout the night, alternating between two different pillows and three different positions. Owen groans when she becomes too restless. It makes her think back to another time, when he would hold her while they slept, an arm draped across her waist and a leg tucked between hers.

 

(She wonders what it would be like to sleep next to Arizona. She’ll never know.)

 

She slips out of the house early, skipping breakfast so she’ll be gone by the time Owen wakes. Her skin itches on the drive to the hospital. Amelia has never been very good with secrets, and this one is no exception. As she pulls into the parking lot she gets the sudden urge to drink. It is a strange feeling, one she hasn’t had since her last relapse.

 

It terrifies her. 

 

Amelia bolts to the break room as soon as she enters the hospital, deliberately picking one that isn’t anywhere near the Peds ward. She can’t see Arizona right now. She’s a mess. Her hair is mussed, her stomach is growling from missing breakfast, and Amelia’s almost positive she forgot to put on deodorant before leaving. She can’t see Arizona.

 

Who she sees instead is Maggie. The woman is sitting on the couch when Amelia reaches the break room, coffee in one hand and a crossword puzzle in the other. She grins when she sees Amelia, and Amy knows then she will be unable to keep the secret from the woman who is practically her sister.

 

“You look awful,” Maggie greets as Amelia beelines for the coffee maker. “Well, I feel awful, so you’re right on the money.”

 

Maggie raises an eyebrow. “What happened? Trouble with Owen again?”

 

Amelia smirks, because while the woman is partially correct, she has no idea what is about to come out of Amy’s mouth. 

 

You shouldn’t, she tells herself, because confessing to what happened with Arizona last night is a  _ bad  _ idea. Very bad. The worst. But the truth is that she can’t take not confiding in anyone, and Maggie is her best bet. The woman can keep a secret when she needs to.

 

“I did a bad thing,” she begins, trying to sound nonchalant as she stirs sugar into her coffee. Maggie sets down her crossword puzzle, her full attention now on Amelia. “How bad?”

 

“I cheated on Owen. Last night.”

 

And just like that Maggie is up out of her seat, dark eyes wide with disbelief as she stares at Amy. “W-What?” She stutters, ever the protective sister, the one to make sure all rules are acknowledged and followed. The middle sister, Amelia had joked once, which of course made her the youngest and Meredith the oldest. But the memory doesn’t make her as warm as she’d hoped. The aftermath of her fight with Owen still weighs heavy on her shoulders.

 

Amelia sits silently as Maggie takes a minute or so to compose herself. When she speaks again, her voice is calm. “With who?” she asks quietly.

 

This is the hard part. Amelia swallows thickly before responding. “Robbins. Arizona Robbins.”

 

Amelia isn’t sure what hits Maggie harder: the fact that she cheated, or the fact that it was with a  _ woman.  _ She has yet to face the latter herself. She watches as Maggie stares at her for a moment, absolutely perplexed, before her eyes dart to the ground. “Wow,” the woman mumbles. Amelia laughs dryly. “I know.”

 

She feels sick to her stomach, but Amelia slides onto the sofa across from Maggie’s anyway. Might as well get the hard stuff over now, she tells herself. She’s in for one hell of a day, between Arizona and Owen and now Maggie, so the smartest thing to do would be to knock out some of the awkwardness now.

 

She’s always prided herself on her intelligence.

 

(Not counting this cheating debacle.)

 

“Was it… Was it just a ‘spur the moment’ type of thing?” Maggie asks, seemingly hesitant. “No strings attached? Or was it…” She trails off, but doesn’t matter. Amelia knows what she’s asking. 

 

She takes a sip of her coffee, reveling in the warmth it provides when she feels so cold, so confused. “I don’t know,” she admits quietly, not looking Maggie in the eye. “I think it was more than just a screw.” The words sound harsh and emotionless as they fall from her lips, and Amelia flinches. “I think… I want it to be more.”

 

It’s the closest she’s come to accepting her feelings for Arizona. It’s comforting to have Maggie there. “Oh. Oh, wow.” Maggie raises an eyebrow at Amelia’s confession, but there is no judgement in her eyes. For that, Amelia is forever grateful.

 

“Is that a bad thing?” Amelia is surprised at the fear in her voice when she speaks.

 

Maggie is silent for several minutes, as if weighing Amelia’s decisions. Amy isn’t sure if that’s a good thing or not.

 

“I don’t know,” Maggie finally responds, Maggie who always has an answer for everything. Except for now. “I really don’t know.”

 

.

.

.

 

The day passes by for Amelia like she’s watching it, but not actually experiencing it.

 

She avoids Owen all day, something that has become surprisingly easy for her. Arizona is a ghost. Amelia sees a flash of blonde hair down the hall and thinks it’s her, but when she turns around, the corridor is empty. 

 

Amelia spends lunch with Maggie, discussing her dilemma with hushed voices and guilty glances at the floor. “What are you two gossiping about?” Meredith inquires when she arrives at their table. Maggie looks away, and Amelia shrugs. “Nothing. It’s nothing.”

 

Meredith gives her a questioning look but doesn’t press. They spend the rest of their lunch making light conversation, and it kills Amelia. She shoots glances around the cafeteria in search of a certain blonde, but always comes up empty. It’s unnerving.

 

“Have you ever been in love with a woman?” Amelia asks suddenly, as Meredith picks at the remains of her salad. Maggie blanches. Meredith raises a brow skeptically and waits for Amelia to elaborate. “Well, I just mean… You’re totally straight, right? Right. But have you ever been with a woman, just kind of ended up with her, and realized it’s not that bad? Has that ever happened to you?”

 

“Well, no,” the older woman responds, slightly amused by her sister-in-law’s question. “Why? Are you suddenly questioning your sexuality?” She says it as a joke, but the inquiry hits Amelia hard. She shakes her head and manages to play it off with one of her signature smirks.

 

“Damn, I wish Callie were still around,” Meredith says as she stands up, lifting her tray from the table. “She’d have a lot more to say about something like that.”

 

Amelia laughs and waves as Meredith departs. When she turns back around, she feels sick.

 

.

.

.

 

Amelia finally catches Arizona as she’s about to leave.

 

She’s already changed out of her scrubs and into street clothes, and is paused at a nurse’s station when she sees that same flash of blonde hair. Quickly shutting the binder she’s glancing over, Amelia picks up her purse and dashes after the woman.

 

“Dr. Robbins,” she calls, and manages to grab her wrist before the blonde can turn the corner. Arizona stops, and when she turns to meet Amelia, her gaze is a mixture of annoyance and apprehension. “What? What do you need?”

 

Amelia is surprised by her standoffish demeanor and immediately pulls her hand away. “I… I just… Thought we could talk,” she explains, forcing herself not to tear her eyes away from the other woman. “We should talk.”

 

She resents the pleading tone in her voice, but it must work, because Arizona’s expression softens as she nods. “O-Okay. If that’s what you need.”

 

There’s a storage closet just around the corner, which is less than ideal, but will do. Amelia closes the door as they enter and moves to lock it, but ultimately thinks better of it.The last thing she needs is an excuse to kiss Arizona again.

 

“What’s up?” The blonde is her ever cheerful, vivacious self, and immediately Amelia finds herself distracted. It’s her eyes, her lips, her smell,  _ everything.  _ She can’t remember the last time she’s felt like this.

 

“I just— I just thought we should talk about what happened last night.”

 

Arizona pauses for a moment. “What is there to talk about?”

 

“Everything.”

 

“Or nothing.”

 

The way she dismisses it so easily hurts Amelia, and she glances down for a moment. But Arizona’s tone is no longer coldly professional, and her eyes are warm and sympathetic, and that somehow gives Amelia the strength to continue. “Well,  _ I  _ certainly think there is something to talk about. It was…”

 

The sound of voices outside startles Amelia, and her head whips to the door, expecting it to open. It doesn't. She lets out a sigh of relief as the voices pass by and grow more distant before becoming inaudible. “What, it was a mistake?” Arizona presses, bringing her back to the issue at hand. Amelia instantly shakes her head. “No! It wasn’t… It should be a mistake. You’re right. But when I think about it, about  _ us,  _ it doesn’t— it doesn’t feel like a mistake.” Her voice falters on the last word, and Amelia looks away. “And I hate myself for that.”

 

She looks up at the feeling of Arizona putting a hand on her arm. It’s tentative, and more comforting than anything else, but feels like a fire on Amelia’s skin. “Hey, don’t hate yourself. I don’t want to ever hear you say you hate yourself, because you… You’re amazing.” 

 

Arizona doesn’t let go of her arm, and it occurs to Amelia then just how close they are; Arizona had somehow closed the gap between them without Amelia realizing it, and now she is only a foot or so aware from her. Suddenly Amelia’s chest grows tight. She wraps her fingers around Arizona’s wrist, whose hand is still on her arm.

 

Arizona pulls her hand away then. Amelia expects her to step back, but instead the blonde reaches out and cups her cheek. “You’re amazing,” she whispers. “I mean that.”

 

* * *

 

_ before  _ —  _ december 2015 _

 

Their story is not an easy one. It is weighed down with loss, with pain. It is something Amelia knows well.

 

It is the night of the death of April and Jackson’s baby. In the morning, Amelia had told her colleagues to show their respect for the parents by lighting candles in the chapel. She hadn’t expected anyone to follow through, but when she enters the dimly lighted room and slides into a pew near the front, she is shocked to see more than a dozen flickering lights resting on the pulpit, a silent vigil for the innocent life lost today.

 

Amelia closes her eyes for a moment, taking in the solace of the chapel, the peace. Today has been long. And hard. She hasn’t thought this much about her unicorn baby, the baby she lost, since… Suddenly her eyes feel wet. She runs a finger underneath them to catch the tears before they fall, just as the chapel doors open and someone walks inside.

 

The someone turns out to be Arizona. Amelia watches in silence as the blonde walks solemnly up to the pulpit, lighting a single candle in baby Samuel’s honor. It flickers brightly as she sets it down beside the others.

 

Arizona stands there for a few minutes or so, and Amelia wonders if she’s saying a prayer. Amy herself has never been one for praying, having lost any and all faith in a god the moment she discovered her baby had no brain, but for a moment she wonders if she should have prayed. If it would have made a difference.

 

(Now, she’ll never know.)

 

Arizona eventually finds her way over to the pew Amelia is sitting in. She hesitates at the front of the row before coming to stand in front of Amy. “May I?” she asks quietly, and Amelia nods immediately.

 

The blonde settles in next to her, close enough that their sides brush. Amelia wonders if the action is supposed to be one of comfort. It is.

 

She doesn’t know how long they sit there together, watching the candles flicker silently in front of them, refusing to burn out. For some reason it makes her chest tight, and her eyes grow wet again. But only for a moment. 

 

“My baby died,” she whispers suddenly, not entirely sure why she’s confessing something like this to Arizona, Arizona who is bright and smiley and seemingly bereft of any pain. “He lived for forty-three minutes.”

 

Arizona glances over at her then, blue eyes wide with an emotion she can’t quite make out. What she says next surprises the other woman.

 

“Mine too.”

 

It’s Amelia’s turn to look over at her, and she does so hesitantly, almost afraid to hear what comes out of her mouth next. They have grown close in the past few months, but this is a different kind of breakthrough for them. “It was a miscarriage,” she begins, voice small, as if she speaks any louder she might break. “The pregnancy only lasted a few months. So I’m sure it was harder for you. Did you go to term?” Amelia nods.

 

“It was harder then, for you,” Arizona says, like she’s reassuring herself. “My baby… It barely had the chance to develop. Its life hadn’t even begun yet. But your baby, your baby was alive. You carried it for nine months, and then it… It was taken from you. But mine was never really mine anyway. Like it was nothing. So I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

There are tears brimming in Arizona’s blue eyes, and she keeps her gaze pointed ahead, focusing on the candles rather than Amelia. She watches as a single tear falls down the other woman’s cheek. This is how she compartmentalizes, Amelia thinks, how she copes with the loss of a child. She makes it seem insignificant and small to keep herself from falling apart. Amy knows the defense mechanism all too well.

 

She reaches out and takes Arizona’s hand then, and the blonde turns to her, cerulean orbs filled with unshed tears. Briefly it occurs to Amy that she is beautiful. Sitting here now, bathed in candlelight and fraught with pain, Arizona is beautiful. It’s like some kind of revelation to her. She grips the woman’s hand tighter.

 

“Hey, look at me,” she says with an unexpected ferocity. “Your baby was not nothing. It was  _ everything.  _ You had a baby, and you lost it. That doesn’t make the pain any less significant than mine.” Arizona’s lip trembles as she listens to Amelia, but she nods weakly. “You had a baby,” Amelia whispers, gently squeezing the blonde’s hand. “You had a baby.”

 

“I know.” Arizona leans her head on Amelia’s shoulder, and Amy lets her.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Me too.”

 

.

.

.

 

The loss of Herman’s eyesight is another hit they take. 

 

Amelia watches from the doorway as Arizona sits with her mentor, voices hushed as they discuss Arizona’s recent surgery. A week has passed since Herman’s operation, but check ups on the woman are frequent, and Arizona is there for each one. Amelia knows it means everything to Nicole, even if she doesn’t show it.

 

Amy’s superhero courage has faded away from that day, but she still feels it pulsing in her blood, surging through her veins and making her strong. She did it. She removed the tumor. 

 

Only freaking superheros.

 

But deep down, she is still doubtful, still guilt-ridden for taking Herman’s eyesight. Arizona doesn’t blame her, but Amelia blames  _ herself.  _ She could have done better. If Derek had been there, if he had come down to save her, things might have been different. The thought of  _ how it could have gone differently  _ keeps her up at night. She thinks it always will.

 

The sound of Arizona’s gentle footsteps as she exits Herman’s room shakes her from her musings. “Hey,” Arizona greets softly. She smiles, but the bags under her eyes betray her exhaustion. 

 

They make small talk as they stop at the nurse’s station across from Herman’s room, looking through a few of the woman’s files. Any conversation with Arizona is a relief, but Amelia finds herself distracted, haunted by the guilt of taking Nicole away from the blonde. Arizona has already lost so much.

 

“Arizona, I’m sorry,” she says suddenly, and the woman raises a brow, confused by Amelia’s confession. “What? Why?”

 

“I… I could have done better with Herman. I should have… She lost her eyesight because of me. So I’m sorry. I should have done better.”

 

Arizona stares at her for a few moments, head tilted ever so slightly, as if she’s confused. And then she laughs. “Amelia, you may have taken her eyesight, but you gave her back her  _ life.  _ She would have died if it weren’t for you. So don’t apologize.” Arizona reaches out then and puts a hand on each of Amelia’s shoulders. “You  _ saved  _ her. And you saved me. You are a hero.”

 

The words hit Amelia hard and she exhales deeply. She understands. She tried her best, and her best was  _ enough.  _ It was enough for Herman, for Arizona. It was enough.

 

Arizona gives her a soft smile, uses her arms to pull Amelia in for a hug. “You saved me,” she whispers into Amelia’s hair, lips brushing ever so slightly against her cheek. It isn’t a kiss, but it makes her feel weightless, like she’s free. 

  
With Arizona, she is free. 


	2. two

_ now  _ —  _ december 2022 _

 

Amelia finds herself in the Peds ward without ever intending to head that way.

 

Four days have passed since her… interaction with Arizona (she still isn’t quite sure what to call it). Owen hasn’t asked, Maggie hasn’t pressed, and Arizona has avoided bringing it up all together. Amy isn’t sure if that’s a good thing or not.

 

It’s late when she turns down the hallway that will eventually lead to Arizona’s office. She really shouldn’t be going down there, but she’s tired, and lonely, and those are ailments only Arizona can cure. So Amy meanders down the hall until she reaches the oak door labeled ‘Dr. Arizona Robbins’, and hesitates outside for a minute or so. The light is on inside. She could walk in like nothing, and Arizona would no doubt greet her in the same peppy, high-spirited way she always does. But there’s always the chance that the blonde is tired, or upset, and would be less than amused to find Amelia coming into her office to loiter. These are the thoughts that plant Amy’s feet to the ground just a few inches away from the door, unable to make a decision.

 

Ultimately, however, the decision is made for her, when the heavy cream-colored door opens and Arizona steps out. Her eyes widen when she notices Amy, and she only just stops herself from running right into her. “Oh, Amelia!” she exclaims.

 

Amelia closes her eyes for a moment, a blush creeping onto her cheeks. “Uh, hi,” she begins, unsure of how to start. “I was just in the Peds ward, and well, I just figured…”

 

“Figured you’d come say hi?” Arizona asks, a smug smile forming on her lips.

 

“Uh, yeah. So hi.”

 

Arizona studies her for a moment, clear blue eyes sweeping over Amelia’s figure, down and up and down again. Amy wants to squirm. She’s never had a problem with people checking her out before, not even women, but for some reason when Arizona does it she gets nervous.

 

“Come in,” Arizona says, just as Amelia starts to get uncomfortable. “I was just going to grab a patient file from Karev, but it can wait until morning. He’s probably gone already, anyway.” She holds the door open for Amelia and together they walk into her office, sides brushing.

 

Amelia has only been in here a handful of times, but the place has already been burned into her memory. It looks like any typical office; there is a large black desk in the center, littered with papers and clipboards and files, a heavy beige bookshelf covered in medical journals, a tiny sofa with a plain throw pillow and blanket thrown over the arm. It’s nothing special, but it is  _ Arizona’s  _ place. Amelia immediately feels at comfort here.

 

She takes a seat on the couch, and, after tossing her lab coat in the closet, Arizona sits down beside her. She lets out a deep sigh and leans back into the soft cushions, clearly exhausted. Amelia smiles. It’s insane, how easy she could get used to this, just being beside the other woman. It’s easy. It’s a relief from everything going on around her.

 

“I’m  _ exhausted, _ ” Arizona says, running a hand through her hair. Her long blonde locks are mussed and her eyes are duller than usual, but Amelia still finds her breathtaking. She thinks she always will.

 

“You  _ look  _ exhausted, Amelia responds, smirking ever so slightly.

 

Arizona scoffs, even as a grin slips onto her lips. “Are you saying I look bad?”

 

“No. I’m saying you look beautiful.”

 

Arizona’s eyes seem to light up then, and her smile widens. It only enhances her beauty. Briefly Amelia wonders why she didn’t see it sooner, why it took her so long to see the other woman as anything more than a friend. “So do you,” Arizona murmurs, her voice soft.

 

Amelia finds herself unable to look away from Arizona then. They are only a few feet apart, close enough that if she wanted to kiss her, she could. And  _ god,  _ does she want to kiss her. It’s a feeling that never leaves her, a heavy desire that leaves her weak and vulnerable. She knows Arizona can tell, especially in this moment, because the blonde leans into her, as if inviting her in.

 

“Can I… Can I kiss you?” Amelia asks hesitantly, her eyes not leaving Arizona’s.

 

Arizona nods. They meet in the middle.

 

Her lips are soft against Amy’s, full of need yet ever so gentle, like she’s cherishing the moment. Amelia knows  _ she  _ is. Times like this, with Arizona as close as she is now, are all too brief. Amy could be with her every day until she dies and it still wouldn’t be enough.

 

(Deep down, though, she knows she won’t get that.)

 

Amelia instinctively deepens the kiss and Arizona pulls her into her lap, her lips traveling down to latch onto Amy’s neck. Amelia lets out a shaky breath. Her hands slip under Arizona’s scrub top without really meaning to. She knows she should feel guilty for doing this, and she  _ does,  _ but more than anything it feels right. “We should lock the door,” Amelia mumbles as she pulls Arizona’s shirt over her head.

 

Arizona lets out of a groan of annoyance but reluctantly pulls away and gets up. Amelia follows behind her as she reaches for the doorknob and turns the lock. When she is finished, Amy slips her own shirt over her head and pushes Arizona against the door, her lips finding the blonde’s once again. She is addicting.

 

Amelia knows what it means to be an addict. She knows what it means to be hooked on something, to be unable to live without it. Her drug of choice before was oxy.

 

Now, her drug of choice is Arizona.

 

.

.

.

 

“Owen’s going out of town this weekend, right?” Arizona asks, pulling her scrub top down over her head and tossing Amelia her own. Amy nods and reaches for her shoe. “Yeah, he’s speaking at some trauma conference in Maryland. Should be gone for four or five days,” she responds, arching an eyebrow. “Why?”

 

Arizona shoots her a grin as she slips her lab coat over her shoulders, struggling to find the arms in the darkness of the on-call room. They have been doing this for a month or so: sharing kisses in empty elevators, offices, and break rooms, continuing their affair despite how wrong they both know it is. They can't stop.

 

(Can't, or just  _ won't _ ? Amelia isn’t sure which one it is.)

 

“Well, I was just thinking that you’ll be home alone, and I’ve had the house to myself ever since DeLuca moved out, so… maybe you could stay over for a day or so?”

 

Amelia smiles at how hesitant the other woman sounds; Arizona’s words are short and uncertain, like she’s afraid Amelia will say no, and there’s something sort of endearing about it. She’d never pegged Arizona as someone who was unsure of herself.

 

“Sure,” Amelia says, tying her shoe and standing up. She’d give anything to be able to share moments with Arizona in an actual  _ bed,  _ and not just the uncomfortable cots set up in on-call rooms.

 

“Great!” Arizona beams at Amelia’s words, and it makes the brunette smile. She’d give anything to make Arizona happy. “I’ll pick some groceries up tomorrow night so we can make a nice dinner, and then…”

 

Amelia watches as Arizona rambles on, making plans for their first (and probably only) night together. It’s sweet, and Amy is excited, but at the same time it makes her ache with longing. They should be able to do this every weekend. They should be able to plan dates and kiss in the hallway and hold hands as they walk into the hospital. But they can’t. They have been condemned to stolen moments in on-call rooms and vacant offices, and while they are everything to her, they aren’t enough.

 

(Stolen moments aren’t a life.)

 

“Alright, well I have a consult, so I have to go,” Arizona says, pulling Amelia from her thoughts. She saunters over to Amelia and wraps her arms around her waist, her forehead resting against Amy’s. “This was fun,” she murmurs, and presses a gentle kiss to the other woman’s lips. Amelia cups her cheek and kisses her with an unexpected ferocity, not wanting to let go. Arizona gives her a skeptical look when she pulls away.

 

“You okay?” she asks, because she can see the reluctance in Amelia’s eyes, can feel the sadness radiating off her. She knows Amelia too well.

 

“Yeah, I just…” Amelia kisses her again, her lips tenderly brushing against Arizona’s. “I’m just excited for the weekend.”

 

Arizona studies her before eventually nodding and pulling away. “I’ll see you soon.” She presses a kiss to Amelia’s forehead, gives her an adoring smile, and turns to go. Amelia watches as the door closes behind her.

 

* * *

 

_ before  _ —  _ april 2015 _

 

There are high points in every story, just as there are low points.

 

(They have many low points. Derek’s death is one of them.)

 

It has been twenty-eight days since Derek’s death, twenty-two since Meredith’s disappearance. Amelia has been spending most of her time at the Shepherd home—what’s left of it, anyway. She hasn’t missed a day of work, which is good, but she’s snapped at three residents and a handful of interns, which is bad. When she comes home on the twenty-eighth day, she ponders having a drink.

 

She goes out onto the porch for some air instead.

 

Amelia doesn’t know how long she stays outside, just that the skies turn from baby blue to burning red, to a deep purple, to a startling black. The sun disappears and is replaced by the moon, lonely aside from a few stars in the night sky.

 

Just as she begins to fall asleep on the porch swing she’s nestled into, the glass doors that lead to the house open and someone steps out. Amelia instantly thinks it’s an intruder, but the porch light reveals a mess of long blonde hair, and she realizes it’s Arizona. She carries a box of donuts and a pack of cigarettes in her hands.

 

“You left the front door unlocked,” she says simply, coming to stand in front of Amelia. The brunette shrugs and says nothing.

 

“Can I sit down?” Arizona asks, and is once again met with silence. She sits down anyway.

 

They watch the stars for a few minutes. Arizona sits in just the right place: close enough to offer a shoulder, but far enough to give Amelia the space she needs. Amy is surprised at how much comfort her presence brings.

 

“I ate a lot of donuts when Tim died,” Arizona says after a while, gesturing to the white box sitting on the ground in front of them. “Tim was my brother. He was in the Army, and you know how that usually works out.” Her voice is calm, steady, but Amelia can hear the pain creeping into it. It is an emotion Amelia knows well, now more than ever.

 

“I smoked a bit, too,” Arizona continues. “I smoke when I’m stressed. It’s a bad habit, a gross one, but…” She trails off a bit, shrugs her shoulders. She looks guilty. It is clearly not a secret she shares with many people, the fact that she smokes, but Amelia appreciates the confession. Somewhere, in the very bottom of her heart, in one of the few places that hasn’t been blackened by death, she appreciates it.

 

More than anything, though, she  _ understands. _

 

Arizona shrugs again, letting the guilt roll off her shoulders in one swift motion. “Anyway, I just figured it might help. Not the most endearing gift, I know, but… It might help.”

 

Amelia casts a skeptical glance down at the donut box, then at the pack of cigarettes in Arizona’s hand. “You know, offering cigarettes to a substance abuser isn’t exactly the smartest move. You know that, right?”

 

And just like that the guilt is back in Arizona’s eyes, sharp and heavy as it swirls around in her blue orbs. They vaguely remind Amelia of the ocean, of her life in Los Angeles, with Addie and the practice and her unicorn baby.

 

(No matter where she goes, death is always there. Always.)

 

“God, I should’ve… I’m so sorry,” Arizona begins, ocean-like eyes wide with regret. “I… I wasn’t thinking. I’m stupid. I just, I was trying to relate to you, and I—”

 

“Relax, Robbins,” Amelia interrupts, a smirk sliding onto her lips. For the first time since Derek, she wants to laugh. “So I’ve fallen off the wagon a few times. So I’ve made some shitty decisions. That doesn’t make me some fragile infant who can’t tolerate being around a few cigarettes.” Arizona looks over at her, seemingly surprised at her words. “Oh,” she says, sounding a bit confused.

 

_ That  _ makes Amelia want to laugh.

 

She doesn’t.

 

Instead she reaches down into the rectangular box at their feet and pulls out a donut. It’s white and powdery, the kind she loves. “That’s the thing that’s really been pissing me off lately,” she says, taking an oversized bite of the pastry. It crumbles in her mouth, white powder sticking to her lips and tongue, and she  _ loves  _ it. “Everyone at work treats me like I’m a child, like I’m fragile. Like at any moment I’m going to break. But I’m fine, you know? Derek died, and it sucks. But contrary to popular belief, he was not my universe. He was not my moon and my stars, my soulmate, or whatever the hell cliches people come up with. He was my brother, and now he’s dead. But I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

 

Arizona reaches down and grabs a donut herself, a glazed, jelly-filled one that leaves frosting stuck to her fingers. “Are you, though?” she asks, balancing the treat on her pack of cigarettes. “Are you really fine?”

 

It’s a simple question, but it hits Amelia with a force she isn’t expecting. Her eyes grow wet and she looks down. It takes her a moment to respond.

 

“No. But I will be. I just need some time.”

 

Arizona stares at her long and hard but eventually nods. “I can give you that. Time.” She takes a bite of her donut and sighs. “I can give you donuts, too.”

 

Amelia glances over at her and finally lets herself laugh.

 

.

.

.

 

“You can call me Amy, you know,” Amelia says one day, after Arizona calls her name in order to get her attention. They are in the cafeteria, and as Amelia sets her tray down at Arizona’s nearly empty table, the blonde smiles. “Really?”

 

Amelia nods. A year or so has passed since Derek. Meredith has returned, and things are almost back to normal. Almost.

 

Arizona’s eyes sparkle then, actually sparkle. It’s surreal, how incredible she is. It’s something Amelia’s been noticing a lot lately. “Okay then,  _ Amy,”  _ she says with a grin. Amelia loves the way it sounds when she speaks, the way it rolls off her tongue in a playful manner. It’s perfect.

 

Arizona is perfect.

 

Amy takes a bite of her apple and leans back in her chair, instantly comfortable and relaxed now that she’s in Arizona’s presence. “Nobody has called me that since Derek,” she says, shrugging slightly. “The nickname used to just be his thing. It was kind of off limits for everyone else.”

 

Arizona looks shocked for a moment, but easily covers it up with a smile and a sip from her water. “Well, then I’m glad I get to be the first,” she says softly.

 

Amelia grins. “Me too.”

 

* * *

 

_ now  _ —  _ january 2022 _

 

Amelia takes a deep breath before knocking on Arizona’s door.

 

This is a bad idea, she thinks, in the back of her mind where she is reasonable and not tainted by anything and everything  _ Arizona.  _ However, the rest of her brain, the parts that recognize desire and need and love, tell her it’s a  _ good  _ idea. She’s always been perplexed by how the mind works, how it registers different emotions and chooses to either act on them or turn back. It’s why she went into neurosurgery.

 

It’s why she’s  _ her. _

 

Arizona answers the door almost immediately. She’s wearing a black knit sweater that hugs her curves in just the right places and a pair of dark, tight jeans. Her feet are clad in a pair of white fuzzy socks that make Amelia smile. “Hi!” she exclaims, and steps aside, ushering Amelia inside. She has been to Arizona’s place on only a few occasions, and each time feels like a privilege. Suddenly she wonders what it would feel like to  _ share  _ a place with Arizona, to have an apartment with her, or a house. Somewhere to come home to. Some _ one  _ to come home to.

 

“I knew we couldn’t do wine, so I got some sparkling water,” Arizona says as she leads her into the kitchen. “I hope that’s okay.” Amelia nods instantly. “Yeah, of course. That’s great.”

 

A few more steps and they’re in the dining room, where Arizona has already set everything up, from plates to cutlery to candles in the middle of the table. Amelia smiles at how meticulously this dinner has been prepared, how much work she’s put into it. Owen hasn’t done something like this for months. “This looks… incredible,” she says, and turns to Arizona, pressing a soft kiss to her lips.

 

Arizona melts into her touch and before Amy realizes it her hands are wandering, moving to slip under the blonde’s shirt while her lips brush against the soft skin of Arizona’s neck. “Oh, let’s save this for after dinner,” Arizona murmurs, gently grabbing Amelia’s wrists. “We have all weekend, remember?”

 

.

.

.

 

Hours later they lay sprawled out under the sheets, sides brushing and fingers intertwined. Arizona’s breathing is soft, almost inaudible, and Amelia wonders if she is asleep. “Arizona?” she calls quietly, turning her head in the other woman’s direction.

 

She watches as Arizona’s blue eyes flick open, bright even in the darkness. “I’m right here,” she says gently, and turns on her side so she’s facing Amelia. “You okay?”

 

Amelia nods.

 

A moment of silence passes. Amy lets her gaze travel down Arizona’s exposed body, her bare skin like porcelain in the faint moonlight that shines in through the window. She is breathtaking. Arizona doesn’t shy away from her gaze; instead she seems to bask in it, her eyes closed as a small smile gracing her lips.

 

“Would you believe me if I told you I was in love with you?” Amelia’s voice is soft, just above a whisper. She watches as Arizona’s eyes flick to meet hers. There is no shock in them, just understanding, like she’s been waiting for this moment for a lifetime.

 

“Yes,” she breathes out, her voice even lower than Amy’s. “If I told you that  _ I  _ loved  _ you,  _ would you believe me?”

 

Amelia gives her a half smile and sits up a bit, planting her elbow in the pillow and resting her hand on her cheek. “Oh, come on. Now you’re just stealing my lines.”

 

Arizona chuckles softly. “Seriously, though. Would you believe me?”

 

“Yes. But only because I’m in love with you.”

 

Amelia meets Arizona’s gaze hesitantly, afraid, almost, to see her reaction. Arizona just smiles. “Me too,” she whispers. “I’m in love with you, too.” Amelia leans down and brushes her lips against Arizona’s, because her heart is too heavy to allow her to say anything. Heavy in a good way, though. Heavy like it’s so full of love, so full of happiness, that it might break.

 

She hasn’t felt like this since Derek, since Ryan, since her son, since her father. Come to think of it, she hasn't felt this way  _ ever. _

 

It terrifies her. More than anything, though, it makes her feel invincible.

 

.

.

.

 

Amelia wakes up to the feeling of kisses against her neck.

 

“Zona,” she hisses, groaning with exhaustion despite the pleasure Arizona’s lips bring. She winces as her eyes are flooded with light. Reaching for a pillow, Amelia pulls it over her head and burrows deeper into the sheets. “Leave me alone. I wanna  _ sleep.” _

 

She feels Arizona laugh against her neck. “Come on. This is the first day off you’ve had in  _ weeks.  _ You don’t want to spend it all in bed, do you? That’s not exactly productive.”

 

Amelia huffs at the woman’s words, even as a sly grin forms on her lips and she pushes the pillow away from her head, finally facing the light. In one swift motion, she pushes Arizona flat onto the bed and slides on top of her, her legs coming to rest on either side of Arizona’s hips.

 

“Staying in bed can be productive,” she reasons, pressing a kiss to Arizona’s lips. “It can be very productive, actually. Just depends on who you’re with.”

 

Arizona laughs again. Amelia brushes her lips against the woman’s jaw line, eventually letting them pepper kisses onto her neck, her breasts, her stomach. Amy’s hands rest on each of her hip bones as she travels lower, and when she gently kisses the inside of her thigh, Arizona’s fingers find purchase in her hair. “Amy?” she murmurs, her breathing growing erratic.

 

Amelia looks up, a wicked grin on her lips. “Yes, dear?”

 

“Don’t stop.”

 

* * *

 

_ before  _ —  _ january 2017 _

 

The night she kisses Arizona for the first time, Amelia proposes to Owen.

 

They have just finished a case, just saved a girl’s life. The victory is fresh in Amelia’s mind as she waltzes down the hallway and into a break room, planning to refill her coffee even though she’s just about to leave. When she opens the door she finds Arizona, all alone as she sits at a round table in the corner and studies something on her iPad.

 

Amelia grins immediately. “Hey,” she calls, stepping inside and shutting the door behind her. Arizona flashes that blinding smile of hers, the one that leaves Amy breathless and a little dazed, and gives her a small wave. “You on your way home?”

 

Amelia nods as she heads over to the coffee maker. “Yeah. I’m exhausted.”

 

Arizona chuckles a bit, studies her for a moment before turning back to her iPad. Amelia pours coffee into her cup until it reaches the brim, overflowing just a bit, and contemplates how to tell Arizona how extraordinary she thinks she is.

 

“You were brilliant today,” is what she settles on, as she walks over to Arizona’s table and leans against the edge.

 

Arizona looks up, that same smile still gracing her lips. “I could say the same to you,” she says teasingly. “And I should, because you were. You’re an incredible surgeon, Amelia. I mean that.”

 

Amelia looks down as her cheeks turn a rosy shade of pink. “Thank you.” She never reacts to compliments like this,  _ never;  _ she knows she is brilliant, incredible, a superhero. Meredith herself had told her she’d taken on Derek’s ego—and not in a good way. She has bravado, too much of it, even. But with Arizona, she melts and turns into an awkward teenager on a first date.

 

“Maybe we can go out to dinner sometime?” Arizona asks, sounding only the slightest bit nervous. “You know, to celebrate?”

 

Amelia sucks in a breath, and her mind wanders to Owen, who waiting for her at the house he just purchased. For them.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, we definitely should. I’d like that.”

 

Amelia looks down again, not because of her awkwardness, but because the mood between them has shifted. She can feel it in the air, heavy and thick, permeating the small space between them and making her thoughts wander to things that are entirely inappropriate. Like kissing her.

 

(And  _ god,  _ how she wants to.)

 

Their gazes lock, and just like that Owen is forgotten, along with her coffee, and Arizona’s iPad, and the whole world around them. Time freezes, or it seems to, and before Amelia realizes what she’s doing she is moving towards Arizona and leaning down, close enough for their lips to brush.

 

“If I kiss you, will you pull away?” she asks softly. Arizona’s gaze doesn’t falter as she responds. “I think that’s for you to find out.”

 

So she does. Amelia leans forward, presses her lips to Arizona’s, cups her cheeks in her hands.

 

She doesn’t. She doesn’t pull away.

 

.

.

.

 

She goes home to Owen in a frenzy, a mess of emotions and reckless decisions. She feels guilty but  _ free,  _ free in a way she’s never experienced.

 

The guilt is heavy, though, too heavy. Maybe that’s what makes Amy ask him to marry her. To this day, Amelia doesn’t know.

 

Now, though, now that what she has with Arizona is  _ real,  _ it feels like a mistake.

 

* * *

 

 

_ now  _ —  _ may 2022 _

 

They are in Arizona’s office when Meredith walks in on them.

 

Owen has been back from Maryland for three months now and still has no clue about what is going on between Arizona and Amelia. She’s been meaning to tell him. Really. Deep down Amy knows this can’t go on forever, but at the same time, she can’t be the one to make it stop.

 

She says so, as she and Arizona lay on the sofa in her office, skimming through patient files and discussing an upcoming surgery. Arizona’s head is in Amelia’s lap, resting gently as Amy runs her fingers through the blonde’s hair. “I can’t tell him,” Amelia whispers softly, setting down the papers in her hand and interlacing their fingers. “I can’t end this. I can’t be the one to break us.”

 

“Amy,” Arizona murmurs, her voice soft and sad. She opens her mouth to respond, but before she can, the office door opens and in steps Meredith.

 

“Arizona, do you still have—”

 

She cuts herself off mid-sentence, jaw dropping at what she sees. Amelia immediately flinches. Sure, they could be caught in more compromising positions, but the way they are sitting still gives everything away. “Meredith!” Arizona exclaims, sitting up. “We were just… This isn’t…” Arizona’s voice trails off and she looks down. The damage has been done.

 

Meredith lets out a huff of disapproval and shakes her head, shooting a glare at Amelia. “Sorry for interrupting. I’ll make sure to knock next time.”

 

“Meredith, wait,” Arizona begins, but it’s useless. The woman is already gone. She casts a hopeless glance Amelia’s way, and Amy stands up, trying to formulate a plan on how to fix this. “I’ll be back,” she says, shrugging and rushing towards the door.

 

Arizona just puts her head in her hands and sighs.

 

She catches up with her sister-in-law just as Meredith rounds the corner. “Mer, wait,” she calls impatiently, her heart beating out of its chest. To her surprise, Meredith turns around, albeit with disapproval written all over her features. “This is what you were talking about when you brought up that ridiculous ‘falling in love with a woman’ thing all those months ago, right? This is it. You were talking about Arizona.”

 

“Mer,” she begins, but doesn’t know how to start. “It wasn’t… It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

 

Meredith scoffs. “What, you weren’t supposed to fall for her? Or I wasn’t supposed to find out?” The question hangs in the air like some sort of accusation, and Amelia wants to flinch. She doesn’t. “You’re cheating. Owen is my friend, and you’re cheating on him. Cristina left him to me, you know. She told me to protect him, and I thought that with you, he was. But I was wrong.”

 

Amelia frowns, even as white-hot tears prick at her eyes. It always comes back to Cristina. No matter what happens, no matter where Amy goes wrong, Meredith always has a way to sucker punch her with the reminder of Cristina, her  _ real  _ sister. She’s never even met the woman, but she’s never been able to compete with her.

 

Maybe that’s where her marriage to Owen went wrong, she thinks. Where every relationship she's ever had has gone wrong. She’s always been in the shadow of people who were bigger than her, whether it’s Cristina or Derek or one of her well-off, perfect sisters.

 

(Arizona was the one to bring her into the light, to pull her out of the shadows.)

 

Meredith glares at her with cold eyes, and it takes everything inside Amelia not to scream. “You  _ were _ wrong. I could never protect him. I was never enough for him. But you know who I  _ am  _ enough for?” Her voice trembles as she speaks, but Amelia stands tall. “Arizona.

 

“What we have may not be much, but it’s  _ enough,  _ Meredith. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be enough for someone.”

 

Meredith’s eyes soften for a moment, but it is brief. Amelia blinks and they are icy again. “You have to tell him,” she says. “You have to tell him. Because if you don’t, I will. And you won’t like how I go about it.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reviews and suggestions are always appreciated.


	3. three

_ before  _ —  _ april 2017 _

 

Amelia is devastated when she learns Arizona will not be at her wedding.

 

The news hits her like a sucker punch, heavy and unexpected. She sends the invitations out on a Wednesday, admiring their gold trim and intricate font, details she had picked out herself. On Thursday, she finds Arizona in a break room (coincidentally, the same break room they had first kissed in), studying the letter with an almost aggravated look on her face.

 

“Oh, so you got the invitation,” Amelia says with a grin, as she saunters towards the couch Arizona is resting on. Arizona looks up, and for the first time in what feels like years, she doesn’t flash Amelia that blinding smile. Instead, she looks guilty.

 

“Yeah, about that…” One look at the blonde and Amelia knows something is wrong. She moves closer, perching on the edge of the sofa, close enough to offer the woman support but far enough to keep herself from doing anything inappropriate. She’s been doing that a lot, lately, forcing herself to keep her distance from Arizona. 

 

(It feels wrong.)

 

“What’s up?” Amelia asks, trying to keep her smile from faltering.

 

Arizona bites her lip, hesitates for a moment before responding. “I can’t come. I… I shouldn’t. It would be wrong.”

 

Amelia sucks in a breath, even as her smile fades and is replaced by a frown. “What? W-Why?”

 

“You know why,” Arizona responds, sounding almost like she’s chastising the brunette. When Amelia’s expression remains blank, she sighs deeply and shakes her head. “I can’t be at your wedding after what happened in here, after what we did. It would be wrong. I can’t be at the wedding, and honestly, I can’t be around you  _ at all.” _

 

_ I can’t be around you at all.  _ Amelia stands up then, takes a few steps back, denial and confusion written all across her features. “It was- It was one time, Arizona. I apologized. That doesn’t… That doesn’t have to change things between us.”

 

“But it does,” Arizona hisses, growing impatient. “It does change things between us! It did. Because now, I can’t even be in the same room with you without…”

 

It’s Amelia’s turn to be impatient now. “Without what? Without what?”

 

“Without wanting to kiss you!” The words burst from Arizona’s lips unexpectedly, and she looks ashamed to have said them. They both take a moment to absorb her words before Arizona continues. “And I don’t think you would stop me,” Arizona says, her voice soft now.

 

“That’s the thing. I really don’t think you would stop me.”

 

.

.

.

 

Arizona keeps her promise. She doesn’t show up to the wedding.

 

It’s on Amelia’s mind all day. The news that her mother, or any of her sisters, won’t be attending is already enough of a kick in the gut, but to know that Arizona will be missing as well… She spends the morning sobbing, her back up against the bathroom door as Maggie and Meredith wait helplessly outside. 

 

It’s what makes her flee a few hours before, rushing out into the rain with her maid of honor driving the getaway car. She blames it on Meredith, insists that her cold feet are all her sister-in-law’s fault, when deep down Amelia knows it’s really because of  _ Arizona.  _ It’s her. It always has been.

 

But in the end she sucks it up, wipes away her tears and goes back. It is her wedding day. Her groom is waiting for her. Derek may be missing, along with her mother, her son, Arizona, everyone that has ever meant anything to her, but she will be okay. She will push through, do what she has to, make the people that  _ are  _ here proud.

 

There are tears in her eyes as she walks down the aisle. They aren’t tears of happiness, though. They are tears of sadness. Of fear.

 

(Arizona should be here. She should be with her.)

 

Later that night, she sneaks away from her own party and out into the cold wet night, her cell phone clutched in her hand like a life vest. Arizona’s number is burned into her memory by now and she types it easily, not really expecting her to pick up but trying anyway. Just for the hell of it, she thinks.

 

Arizona answers on the third ring. Tears flood Amelia’s eyes.

 

“You picked up,” she whispers into the phone, smiling despite the tears. “I picked up,” Arizona responds, her voice warm.

 

They sit in silence for a few moments, Amelia content to just listen to the soft pattern of Arizona’s breathing. “You should be here,” she says, finally, afraid of Arizona’s response. “You should be here.  _ Derek  _ should be here.”

 

Arizona just sighs, the sound deep and static over the line. “It’s my wedding day, and I feel so alone. Can you believe that? I just got married. This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life, but I feel awful. I’m alone. I’m alone.”

 

She no longer holds back the tears, just lets them flood like rivers down her cheeks, mirroring the rain falling down from the heavens. “I’m so sorry, Amy,” Arizona says, and it sounds like she’s crying, too. “I made a mistake.”

 

“Me too,” Amelia whispers, staring out into the empty night. “I made a mistake, too.”

 

* * *

 

_ now  _ —  _ june 2022 _

 

“Just ignore her,” Amelia says to Arizona as they walk down the hall. “She’s trying to get to us. Don’t let her.”

 

Arizona nods hesitantly, casting an almost guilty look back at Meredith, who had glared at them as they sauntered past the nurse’s station she was working at. Amelia, ever the defiant one, had lifted her chin and moved closer to Arizona, making sure Meredith could see their hands brush. Arizona had just looked down and avoided eye contact.

 

“Maybe we  _ should  _ let her,” Arizona suggests meekly, causing Amelia to turn to her with a skeptical look on her usually gentle features. Three weeks have passed since Meredith’s threat to out them to Owen, and while Amy’s sister-in-law has yet to do something, deep down Amelia knows it’s only a matter of time. Meredith has never been one for idle threats, and this situation is certainly no exception.

 

“What do you mean?” Amelia asks, trying to keep her voice from raising accusingly. Arizona just shrugs. “We have to tell him, Amy,” she says. Amelia knows she’s using the nickname as a way to keep her calm. “This can’t go on forever. You and I both know that.”

 

Amelia huffs irritably and pulls Arizona into the nearest on-call room, acutely aware of the fact that this is where people come to have sex. She and Arizona have been guilty of doing that on several occasions, but now the air between them is heavy and pained, anything but amorous. She doubts Arizona is in the mood to put out right now.

 

“What the hell are we supposed to do once we tell him?” Amelia asks, arms crossed over her chest defensively. “Just end this? End  _ us?”  _ She has been hesitant to use the word  _ us  _ ever since they admitted their feelings for each other. It presents them as an item, a team, which will only make it harder once this has to end. But this affair has never been a ‘no strings attached’ agreement. It’s so much more than that, Amelia thinks, suddenly growing crestfallen.

 

(Arizona is so much more.)

 

“You know that’s not what I want,” Arizona begins, blue eyes shining with guilt, even in the darkness. “I don’t want to lose you. But if Meredith tells him before you do… I will. I  _ will  _ lose you. We’ll be ruined, and I don’t want to risk that. So you have to tell him, Amelia. That way we have the upper hand in this. Please.”

 

The pleading tone in Arizona’s voice makes something in her stir, and Amelia sighs, knowing that the other woman is right. Their marriage may be dead, but Owen still respects her to an extent, and vice versa. He’ll take it better if it comes from her, and not an outside source. 

 

“Okay,” Amelia finally concedes, hating that Arizona is right. “But I just…” She moves forward then, closing the gap between them and pressing her forehead against Arizona’s. “I just want us to have a few more days together, alright? I can’t let you go, not yet. I can’t.”

 

She rests a hand on Arizona’s hip just as the woman reaches to cup her cheek, the smooth pad of her thumb brushing against Amelia’s cheekbone. “You don’t have to let me go, Amy. We’ll figure this out. Even after you tell him, we can… We can find a way to be together.”

 

If it were coming from anyone else Amelia would view the words as an empty promise, but with Arizona, it feels like a vow. They will be together. She believes that. 

 

A single tear slides down her cheek then. Amelia kisses Arizona to distract her from it. She clutches the woman tight against her, as if she’s afraid to let go, and backs her up against the wall. Their tongues meet amidst the silence. Arizona holds her tenderly, her fingers soft and her lips gentle, but somehow it only makes the tears flow more freely. 

 

Amelia can feel it. She can feel herself breaking.

 

This could be our last time together, she thinks suddenly, and lets out a silent sob. Arizona looks up then, instantly knowing that something is wrong. She knows Amelia too well, and Amy hates it. She hates that she’s let down her guard enough to bring someone in who she will only lose.

 

“Amelia?” she whispers, trying to still the brunette's hands as they push her lab coat over her shoulders. Amelia ignores her. Instead, she sucks in a breath and kisses Arizona again, her tongue hot and needy against the blonde’s. 

 

Arizona hesitates for a moment before giving into her.

 

“Don’t let me go,” Amelia whispers against her lips, as her hand slips into Arizona’s scrub pants, brushing aside the soft fabric of her panties. “Please. Don’t let me go.”

 

“I won’t,” Arizona gasps out, and Amelia believes her.

 

.

.

.

 

Later in the day, she finds Arizona sitting with Maggie in the cafeteria.

 

Amelia shoots her lover a skeptical glance as she makes her way over to their table, afraid that perhaps Maggie has gotten on board with Meredith’s plan to out her relationship to Owen. But when Arizona flashes her a thumbs up, her perky smile seeming genuine, Amelia lets out a sigh of relief and sets her tray down on the table.

 

“Well if it isn’t two of my favorite ladies,” she chirps, instinctively choosing the seat closest to Arizona, who beams at her words. Maggie rolls her eyes even as an easy smile slides onto her lips. “We’re your favorites for two very different reasons, I’m sure,” she says, the underlying tone of her words saying everything. Amelia shoots her a glare but laughs anyway.

 

Arizona had been less that happy when Amelia had told her of how she’d confided in Maggie regarding their affair, but after realizing the younger woman posed no threat to them, she’d warmed up to her. It had certainly improved their relationship over the past few months. A grin forms on Amelia’s lips as she watches Arizona laugh with Maggie, and she silently reminds herself to thank the woman who is practically her sister for being so accepting of their relationship. She’d never known Maggie as someone to condone adultery, but she’d been surprisingly forgiving of what Amelia has been doing.

 

If only she could get Meredith to feel the same.

 

“Okay, I have to tell you guys something,” Maggie says after a while, as the cafeteria begins to clear out. “You’re not going to like it, but I need you to listen anyway.”

 

Amelia pretends to look surprised, but knows exactly what Maggie is about to say. Arizona just sets down her half-eaten apple and leans closer. 

 

“Meredith wasn’t kidding when she said she was going to tell Owen about you two if you don’t, Amelia. She was serious, and she’s done waiting around.” It sounds almost like she’s chastising the two. Part of Amelia wants to laugh, but at the same time, she knows how serious this is. “And I-I kind of understand where she’s coming from. The two of you walk around like it’s nothing, and I know that no one suspects anything, but that doesn’t make it okay. It’s all fun and games now, but your luck is going to run out. You should see to it that you tell Owen before it does.”

 

Amelia casts a glance over at Arizona, eager to see her reaction to Maggie’s words. The blonde nods in agreement. “I know, I know,” she responds, looking genuinely guilty. “We’re— _ she’s,  _ actually—going to tell him soon.” 

 

Maggie looks less than convinced. “Well, soon better be this week, because Meredith is done, guys. And I don’t blame her. I’ve tried to be… accepting of this, because I know it means a lot to you, but not everyone is going to be as nice as I have been.” Maggie shrugs, but her tone is firm, warning them of the consequences they just might have to face. “Mer’s my sister, and I know how she thinks, so believe me when I say that in the long run she’s just looking out for—”

 

The sound of footsteps approaching their table makes Amelia glance up. To her dismay, it’s Owen.

 

“Dr. Hunt,” Arizona greets respectfully, nodding her head ever so slightly. Maggie does the same. Amelia just gives him a skeptical look, unsure of why he’s coming here. They never eat lunch together these days.

 

“What time are you going to be home tonight?” he asks gruffly, fixing Amelia with an almost accusing look. Amelia shrugs. “Well, my shift ends at seven, but Maggie and I were planning—”

 

“Good,” Owen says, cutting her off completely, “because we need to talk.” He keeps his voice level, hiding any possible emotion in his words, but Amelia’s heart sinks into her stomach. He must know about Arizona. Why else would he want to talk?

 

“Um, okay,” Amelia responds, trying not to show her fear. “I’ll be home, then.”

 

Owen nods politely and turns to go. Once upon a time he would have kissed her goodbye, or at least given her a gentle smile, but they are past that stage in their relationship. Amelia wouldn’t want it, anyway.

 

As far as she’s concerned, there’s only one person she wants kissing her, and it isn’t Owen.

 

* * *

 

_ before  _ —  _ november 2018 _

 

“Owen wants me to get pregnant,” Amelia says quietly, taking a tentative sip from her coffee. Arizona looks up at her with wide eyes from across the table. “W-What?”

 

They’re at a cafe not far from the hospital, sipping from hot drinks and trying to ignore the fire between them. This is what friends do, Amelia had told herself, as she parked her vehicle against the snowy curb outside. This is what friends do. They can’t be anything more than that, not now that she’s married, so they will settle for innocent coffee dates and the occasional greeting in the hallway. They will have boundaries and will respect the marriage Amelia is now bound to. 

 

It’s not much, Amelia thinks, but it’s enough.

 

“I know,” Amelia responds, not able to quite meet Arizona’s eyes. “We’ve been married for a year, and it… I guess it was always part of the plan. I mean, that’s what you’re supposed to do in a marriage, right? Have kids, keep the family growing.”

 

She shrugs, trying to ignore the memories of her discussion with Owen last night.  _ I want to be a father, Amelia,  _ he had said, and the words had terrified her. They still do. Sure, she’s always imagined trying to have another child, but it just doesn’t feel  _ right.  _ Not now.

 

“I should do it, you know? He wants a child. He wants it so badly he can’t  _ breathe,  _ and I’m the only one who can give that to him. So I should do it. I owe it to him.”

 

Arizona is silent for a minute or so, using her coffee as an excuse to be silent and ponder over Amelia’s words. Amy uses the time as an opportunity to fully take the woman in. She’s dressed for the weather, a thick maroon sweater over her torso and a pair of tall black boots on her feet. It’s casual attire, nothing special, but her beauty makes Amelia ache with desire. 

 

She should feel that way towards Owen, right? Not Arizona. It’s wrong.

 

(She’s been telling herself that a lot lately.)

 

“Owing it to him should never be your reason for bringing a child into the world,” Arizona says finally, her words soft and calculated. “You should do it because you want to, because it feels right. Take it from someone who was pushed into a pregnancy.” She pauses for a moment, thoughts no doubt drifting off towards her daughter.

 

“I love Sofia so much it hurts, and I couldn’t imagine a world without her in it. But that doesn’t change the fact that the decision to have a child was made for me. Don’t let him do that to you, Amelia. If you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready. If he truly loves you, he’ll respect that. If he doesn’t… Well, then, he probably isn’t the person you want to be having children with anyway.”

 

.

.

.

 

“So, have you talked to Owen?”

 

Amelia turns away from the daycare window to find Arizona standing in the hallway, looking exhausted with her dirty scrubs and mussed hair, but still gorgeous. She smiles when she sees the blonde, but the question makes her heart heavy. 

 

“Yes. Last night.”

 

Amelia turns back to the window then and peers through the blinds, watching as Bailey and Ellis interact with the various children in the daycare center. She’s been finding herself here a lot lately, watching her nieces and nephew and trying to decide whether or not this is the life for her. 

 

(She doesn’t think it is. Not now. Not with Owen.)

 

A few moments pass before Arizona comes to stand beside her, close enough that their arms are brushing. She’s grown used to always having some sort of contact with Arizona. Whether it’s an arm looped through hers, a thigh resting against Amelia’s, or a brush of their fingers, Arizona is always touching her, albeit without the intimacy they both crave. 

 

“So what have you decided, then? Are you going to get pregnant?”

 

Arizona asks the question simply and in a nonchalant manner, as if she’s only half-listening to her response, but Amelia knows she’s dying to hear her answer. “No,” she says flatly. “Not now. It just… It’s not the right time. The advice you gave me made me think a lot, and when I did, I realized it’s not the right time.”

 

Amelia watches as Arizona nods evenly. “And did he respect your decision?”

 

“Yes? No. I don’t… I don’t know.” Amelia stutters her response out nervously, as if only just realizing what a strain this will put on her relationship with Owen. “I never know with him.” 

 

She shrugs casually, as if it’s not a big deal, but the worry in her voice and exhaustion in her eyes betray her fear. Amelia has lost sleep over this decision, and will no doubt continue to for months to come.

 

“How did you know that you wanted to be part of Sofia’s life?” she asks after a while, glancing over at Arizona. “I mean… It must have hurt, coming back from Africa to know Callie was pregnant. How did you move past that and decide to be part of things anyway?”

 

Arizona ponders the question as Amelia continues to look through the window, watching as Zola and Sofia come out of the back playroom and bound over to Bailey, who’s drawing at a table near the door. Amelia smiles and waits for Arizona’s response.

 

“I just… I just knew. When I first found out, I was hesitant, you know? I felt betrayed. But when I look at Sofia now, when I see how extraordinary she has become, I don’t regret a thing. She’s at that age where she wants to do everything, wants to skip out on daycare so she can go on field trips with Zola and explore the world, and it… It’s scary. It’s terrifying. Especially since she’s with Callie half the time. It’s so hard to watch her go sometimes, especially now that I know she has another mom in Penny, but… I don’t regret a thing.”

 

Arizona looks over at Amelia and smiles then, the edges of her eyes crinkling in the way Amy loves. “Parenthood is incredible. When you’re ready for that, Amelia, you’ll know. Trust me.”

 

The blonde turns back to the window, studying her daughter through the thick glass. The look on her face as she stares at Sofia is soft, but the love in her eyes is ferocious, something Amelia figures only comes with motherhood. It only enhances Arizona’s beauty. “Do you think you’d ever want to have another child? If the right one came along, the right person?”

 

When Arizona turns back to Amelia, the light in her eyes remains. “Sure. If it felt right.” She looks down then, as if debating whether or not to say something. A heartbeat passes before she glances up. “The thing is, though, the right one already  _ has  _ come along. She’s just with someone else.”

 

Amelia nods, unable to meet Arizona’s gaze.

 

(They both know who she’s talking about.)

 

* * *

 

_ now  _ —  _ june 2022 _

 

Amelia comes home to find dinner prepared and candles lit on the dining room table.

 

It instantly reminds her of her weekend with Arizona, of the meal they’d shared in candlelight and the moments they had afterward. That night seems so long ago. 

 

“Since when do you cook?” Amelia asks when she finds Owen in the kitchen, clad in an old apron. Normally there would be sarcasm in her voice, scorn, even, but when she speaks now the words come out light and humorous. It brings her back to the early days of their marriage, even more so when Owen smiles.

 

She puts down her bag and lets him guide her to the table. He pulls her chair out for her and tucks it in once she’s sitting, a deed he hasn’t performed for months now. It makes Amelia feel guilty. She’d sat in her car for ten minutes, working up the courage to come inside and tell Owen of the affair she’s been having (with one of his friends, no less), only to find a meal prepared and a husband going out of his way to meet her needs.

 

He must not know about Arizona, then. It doesn’t make sense. He wouldn’t make dinner for her and light candles if he knew about their affair, would he? So it can’t be Arizona.

 

“Thank you for coming home on time,” Owen says, as he places a piece of chicken on her plate. “I know that our schedules have been pretty crazy for the past few weeks, so… Thank you. Thank you for finding the time.”

 

Amelia nods and smiles, even as her heart sinks.

 

They make small talk throughout dinner, all smiles and polite words. Amelia waits for him to drop the bombshell on her. Whatever he wants to talk about, it must be big. He wouldn’t make dinner and cater to her like this otherwise.

 

Still, he keeps his mouth shut as they finish their meal and begin to clean up. Amelia clears the plates soundlessly, gnawing on the inside of her cheek, and starts the dishes as Owen puts away the leftovers. He grabs a beer from the fridge and moves out onto the deck as she washes the last bowl.

 

A few minutes later, Amelia takes a deep breath and joins him in the cool night air. Owen smiles as she sits on a patio chair across from his, puts his beer down on the table and turns to her. “So, there’s something I want to tell you,” he says, voice level. Amelia nods. “I have something to tell you, too, actually.”

 

Owen seems surprised; the statement clearly catches him off guard and he tilts his head slightly, not sure of how to respond. “You go first, though,” Amelia says, rushing her words. She’s not ready. Not yet.

 

“O-Okay,” he responds, staring at her long and hard before continuing. “You know how I was at that trauma conference in Maryland a few months back?” Amelia nods, unsure of where this is going. “Well, I was approached by some guys from MEDCOM. Some pretty high up, successful guys, actually. They were close with Teddy, knew that she worked with me here, and they…” He trails off, a grin forming on his lips. It is the first time Amelia has seen him genuinely smile in years. 

 

“They want to give me a job. Teddy’s been promoted a few times, and she needs someone to help run the place. She called me a few days ago and says she wants it to be me.”

 

Amelia’s jaw drops, literally drops, at his words, because it’s an incredible opportunity—for him, anyway. She knows how nostalgic he’s been for his days in the army as of late, how much he has missed saving soldiers the way he used to. So in a way, this shouldn’t be very shocking. 

 

Still, it is.

 

“Wow,” Amelia stutters out. “That’s… that’s incredible.” She flashes him an encouraging smile, trying to seem optimistic. And she is, really. She’s happy for him. Amelia has failed to be a source of happiness in his life, and more than anything she feels guilty about that, so she is glad that Teddy has given him this opportunity. She’s only met the woman a handful of times, but had liked her right away. She was genuine, a true friend for Owen. This job opportunity only confirms that.

 

“It is,” Owen responds, running a hand over his stubbled jaw in an attempt to hide his smile. “I think it would really be great for me, Amelia. But it means moving. The main MEDCOM base is in Texas, and I know it’s far away, but… I think this would be good for me, for us. It would be a chance to start fresh. We need that right now. You and I both know that.”

 

And just like that Amelia’s smile has faded, replaced instead with a disgruntled frown. She knew there would be a catch to this. There always is with Owen. “So you want me to leave my family, my friends, and just move out to Texas? Just like that?”

 

Owen hesitates for a moment, his jaw opening and closing, obviously at a loss for words. “They’ll be fine, Amelia. We can visit, and you’ll always be able to call them. It won’t be the end of your relationship with them.”

 

Instantly her mind flashes to Arizona, of her silky blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes in the last moment they had shared before Amelia came home. They had been in the elevator, and as the last person got out and the doors slowly shut, Arizona had leaned forward and kissed her. “Stop worrying,” she had said, holding the brunette’s face in her hands. “Everything is going to be okay. You’re a superhero, and you can handle this. Everything will be okay.”

 

For some reason the memory brings tears to her eyes. Amelia blinks them away rapidly, not wanting Owen to see her cry. “Maybe they’ll be fine, but I won’t be, Owen.  _ We  _ won’t be. I’ve been a part of Zola and Bailey’s lives since they were toddlers, Ellis since she was  _ born.  _ I can’t just get up and move halfway across the country. And what about Meredith, and Maggie? They’re my sisters. I can’t leave them.”

 

She watches as Owen clenches his jaw, obviously trying to keep himself calm in order to persuade Amelia into agreeing with this. But she won’t. It’s out of the question, she tells herself, and she’ll leave him before she leaves all the people she loves.

 

“Meredith has Riggs, now, and Maggie… Maggie has so many friends at the hospital. They won’t be alone, Amy.”

 

_ “Don’t,”  _ Amelia hisses then, her eyes suddenly dark with anger. “Don’t call me that. That nickname was for Derek.” And Arizona, she thinks, almost guiltily. 

 

Owen nods and looks away, obviously backing down, but she can see the tautness in his muscles, the furrow in his brow. He’s angry. The man exhales sharply, takes a swig from his beer. Vaguely Amelia wonders about how many drinks he’s had tonight. Owen has always been good about not getting drunk around her, even during the rough patches of their relationship, but that has never quite stifled the fear she has of catching him the same way she had that night, so many years ago.

 

“So that’s it?” he questions, finally looking up at her again. The fire in his eyes blazes with a ferocity she hasn’t seen in months. “It’s just out of the question?” Amelia glances down for a moment, ignoring the guilt that is slowly creeping in. “I can’t leave them, Owen. It isn’t right.” He scoffs at her words. Amelia stands up, ready to end this discussion.

 

“You know what else isn’t right?” he asks, voice bitter and cold. “How selfish you are, how self-centered. It’s pathetic, Amelia. You’re pathetic.”

 

Amy laughs then. “Oh, if only you knew how selfish I  _ truly  _ am,” she says coldly, moving towards the sliding glass door that will lead her back into their home.

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Owen questions with a roll of his eyes.

 

“I’m having an affair. I have been for months now.” Amelia grins as she says it, her words dripping with venom. “How’s that for selfish?”

 

She doesn’t wait to see his reaction. Instead Amelia pushes her way through the doors and back into the house, grimacing when she sees the candles that are still lit on the dining table. It’s funny, almost, how quickly things can sour between them. She ignores the sound of Owen barging in behind her and heads down the hall, towards their bedroom, although deep down she knows she’ll have to turn around and face him soon enough.

 

“What? How could you—” Owen cuts himself off mid-sentence, clearly not anticipating the bombshell she dropped. She’s always outdone him, and this is no time for exceptions. “With who? Someone at the hospital?”

 

Amelia stops in her tracks, sighs before turning around to meet his gaze. “Would that make a difference? Would it kill you more, to know that your wife is sleeping with one of your co-workers?” Owen shakes his head in confusion, arms thrown up in utter bafflement. “I’m asking, Owen. Would that be the final nail in the coffin? Would that be the end for us?”

 

“You’re being pathetic,” he hisses, “and petty, and disgusting.”

 

“I hate to break it to you, honey, but that’s the woman you married. For better or for worse.”

 

Deep down Amelia hates how nasty she’s being, how easily she’s throwing punches and delivering blows. She hates how good it feels. It feels like  _ release,  _ like something she hasn’t had in years. Briefly she wonders if this is why she used to drink and do drugs. She has traded in the bottle for a pair of boxing gloves, given up oxy for Owen instead. They both do damage, so what’s the difference?

 

“‘For better or for worse,’” Owen echoes, seemingly perplexed by the vow. “I guess that means nothing now, huh? Is that what crossed your mind when you slept with some sick son of a bitch? Is that what you thought?”

 

Amelia lets out a deep sigh, suddenly feeling drained. “You really wanna know what I thought? I thought that it felt  _ good.”  _ Amy flinches at her own words, stunned at the harshness in them, the intention to inflict pain. When did she become this person, someone who takes pleasure in hurting the man she once loved?

 

“We’re over, Owen,” she says, her voice softer now. “We have been for years. We’ve just been cowards, too afraid to confront it. But deep down we both know the truth. This marriage is dead.  _ We’re over _ .”

 

Owen brings his hand to his temple and rubs his forehead soothingly, no doubt trying to ease the pain of a headache brought on by their yelling. Amelia relates; she can feel her own migraine kicking in, a dull throbbing in the back of her head that tells her she needs to calm herself down. He lets out a deep breath, and when he looks back to her, the anger in his eyes has dissipated. Instead there is only weariness, as if he’s finally given into the truth in her words.

 

“If you stay here, if you remain in Seattle even though there’s a fresh start for us in Texas, we really will be over.” Owen fixes her with that cold stare of his, the one that is impossible to look away from, and continues. “I will divorce you, Amelia, and I will take  _ everything.  _ Believe me when I say that. But if you end your affair and come to Texas with me, I’ll give you another chance.”

 

Amelia scoffs at his words, unable to process what he’s saying. He’s giving her an ultimatum, something she never thought she’d get from Owen. Something she doesn’t want. She looks up at him, shock written all over her face. “W-What?”

 

It’s up to you,” he says softly, the candlelight giving him a ghostly shadow. “Stay here and kill our marriage, or come to Texas and start fresh. You decide. But whatever you choose, however this plays out, just know: it’s on you. The mistakes are all on you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love teddy altman so much. expect to see her in future chapters.


	4. four

_ before  _ —  _ march 2019 _

****

The last person Amelia expects to find in the lab is Arizona. 

****

She’d needed a quiet place to look over scans and prep for an upcoming surgery, and the lab was her best bet. Sure, she could go to her office, but Owen had been dropping by a lot lately and she wanted to be alone. So she’d ended up hiding out in a vacant lab, setting up her work on a desk near the door and beginning her prep immediately.

****

Hours have passed, and Amelia lets out a groan as she glances up at the clock. 9:34 PM. She should have been home hours ago. Sure enough, a quick examine of her phone reveals two missed calls and a text from Owen.  _ Planning on staying late at work? Let me know. If not, I’ll pick up some takeout for dinner. Love you,  _ it reads, and Amelia feels a prick of guilt when she realizes the text had been delivered two hours ago. Sighing, she unlocks her phone and types out a quick message back to her husband, promising to come home early tomorrow to make up for lost time.

****

Her finger is hovering over the ‘send’ button as the doors behind her open. Leaving the message unsent, Amelia turns around and is immediately greeted by Arizona, her hair pulled up in a ponytail and her eyes sparkling with an unreadable emotion. “Thought I’d find you in here,” she says, sauntering into the lab with a smirk on her lips.

****

Amelia smiles and sets down her phone. “How’d you know to look here?”

****

“Edwards told me you’ve been in here for a while. Trying to get a little privacy?”

****

Amy nods, turning back around in her seat as Arizona moves closer. “I’m doing some last minute prep for a surgery tomorrow. Didn’t want to be bothered.” She throws the blonde a wink over her shoulder. “You, of course, are the one exception.”

****

Arizona chuckles softly, stopping directly behind Amelia’s chair. “You should relax a little,” she murmurs, and gently sweeps aside the woman’s chocolate brown hair. Arizona’s hands move to rest on Amy’s shoulders and she instantly leans into her touch, her head tilting back ever so slightly. 

****

Amelia’s eyes flutter closed as Arizona begins working her fingers into her shoulders, kneading the sore flesh softly and relieving the pain in them. “You’re so tense,” Arizona says, her voice low with what can only be desire. Amelia lets out a shaky breath and lets the taller woman work her magic.

****

Her fingers slip under the collar of Amelia’s scrub top with ease. Amy feels goosebumps grow on her arms at the feeling of Arizona’s cool lips brushing against her ear. “Feel better?” she whispers, and Amelia can feel her smiling against her skin. Arizona’s hands roam towards the back of her neck and her smile only deepens. “Mhmm,” Amelia manages, the word something of a breathy moan as it escapes her lips.

****

When Arizona leans down and kisses her softly, Amelia doesn’t resist. Instead she melts into the other woman’s touch, pressing her forehead against Arizona’s and reaching up to cup her cheek. She drags Arizona’s bottom lip in between her teeth ever so gently, heating up the kiss, and lets the woman brush her tongue against her own. Briefly she thinks of Owen and her unsent text, but the thought is quickly replaced with Arizona, the feeling of her hands and the smell of her perfume and the taste of her kiss.

****

She’ll feel guilty about this, once she goes home. It will keep her up at night, tossing and turning while Owen sleeps obliviously beside her. 

****

(She’s a monster for doing this to him.)

****

“I should get going,” Amelia murmurs after a while, reluctantly pulling away. The woman in front of her is her sun, her moon, her stars, and she would give anything to be with her, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s already married. “Owen is waiting at home.” 

****

Arizona bows her head, nodding respectfully even as a frown pulls at her lips. “Right, you have Owen,” she says, unable to keep the bitterness out of her usually cheery voice. “Can’t forget about him, now, can we?”

****

“Arizona,” Amy murmurs, trying to catch her arm, but the blonde has already drawn away. The damage has been done. They stare at each other for a minute or so, Amelia’s sad eyes glancing up to meet Arizona’s rejected ones. When Arizona sighs and moves towards the door, Amelia doesn’t chase after her.

****

“I’m sorry,” she says instead, meaning every word. Arizona just nods. 

****

“I know. But sometimes, sorry isn’t enough.”

****

Amelia watches as she leaves, the door closing behind her.

****

.

.

.

****

Things are hard on them for several years. They go months without speaking unless absolutely necessary. Amelia looks away when she catches a flash of blonde hair in the hallways, and eats in her office when she sees Arizona sitting in the cafeteria with April or Alex. She turns to Owen and tries to find Arizona’s light inside him instead.

****

That’s precisely the problem, though. Where Arizona is bright and bubbly he is stoic and brooding, where Arizona is soft and caring he is rough and emotionless. There are moments when he lets his guard down, when he allows Amelia to see the man underneath it all, but they are few and far between.

****

The bottom line is that he isn’t Arizona. He never will be.

****

That’s what pulls Amelia back to her.

****

(She will always go back to Arizona. In every universe, in every lifetime, Amelia chooses her. Always.)

****

* * *

 

_ now  _ —  _ june 2022 _

 

Amelia is sobbing when she shows up on Arizona’s doorstep.

 

Arizona gasps in shock when she opens the door but instantly ushers her inside, out of the harsh rain pounding against the sidewalk and into the gentle warmth of her home. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” she murmurs softly, taking the duffel bag Amelia is carrying and setting it down beside the coat rack. Amelia is drenched, the moisture under her eyes a mixture of rain and tears, and her arms shake uncontrollably from the cold. Arizona takes one look at her and instantly pulls the brunette into her arms, peppering gentle kisses into her wet hair.

 

“You’re okay,” she whispers, as Amelia clutches onto her for dear life. 

 

Several minutes pass, Amelia’s sobs eventually turning into nothing but the occasional whimper. She pulls away ever so slightly and rubs her eyes with the back of her hand, no doubt smearing what’s left of her mascara. “I’m sorry,” she says miserably, her breathing harsh and sad. 

 

After failing to give Owen an answer to the choice he gave her, the man had glared at her scornfully and told her to get the hell out. Amelia, holding her head high, had packed a few things before getting into her car and speeding off into the night. Arizona’s place had automatically been her destination. She’d held it together during the car ride, biting the inside of her cheek to keep the tears at bay, but as she pulled into Arizona’s driveway and stepped out into the pouring rain, the guilt had gotten to her and she’d fell apart.

 

“Don’t apologize,” Arizona responds, stroking Amelia’s cheek soothingly. “It’s okay. You’re home now.”

 

_ You’re home now.  _ Amelia hasn’t felt like she’s had a home since Derek, but now, staring into Arizona’s light blue eyes, she feels at peace. Arizona is her home. She always has been.

 

Another wave of tears threaten to spill onto Amelia’s cheeks and she looks down, letting Arizona guide her silently through the house, their destination unknown to Amy. They end up in the bathroom. Amelia watches quietly as Arizona moves towards the clawfoot bathtub near the window, turning the heavy brass knobs until water pours from the faucet and into the basin beneath it. She reaches into a cabinet and pulls out a fluffy white towel as the tub fills up. 

 

Setting the towel on the counter, Arizona turns to Amelia and motions for her to move forward. “Come here,” she murmurs, and Amelia keeps her gaze focused on the floor as she walks up to the blonde, too ashamed to meet her eyes.

 

Arizona says nothing, just sits on the edge of the tub and quietly begins to undress Amelia. Amy is surprised at the action and gasps as Arizona pulls her shirt over her head. Still the other woman remains silent, using careful fingers to tug at the waistband of Amelia’s pants before ridding the brunette of them. Arizona unclasps her bra easily, and, after gently slipping Amy’s underwear down her toned legs, she helps guide the shorter woman into the bathtub.

 

Amelia lets out a relieved sigh at the feeling of the warm water and instantly sinks into it, her muscles relaxing as she submerges herself. It is at this moment that she finally lets herself look up at Arizona. “You don’t have to do this for me,” she mumbles weakly.

 

“Stop it,” Arizona responds, her voice gentle yet firm. “Let me help you, Amelia. Please. Let me help you.”

 

Amelia stares at her with swollen eyes, biting the inside of her cheek as another wave of tears threaten to spill onto her pale cheeks. She feels ugly right now, inside and out. She feels ugly for destroying Owen with her cruel, hurtful words, ugly for showing up at Arizona’s and thrusting her problems on the woman right after. 

 

(She’s an ugly person. Always will be.)

 

“I’m going to warm up your clothes in the dryer,” Arizona says softly, tracing the rim of the tub with her index finger. “Have you eaten? Do you want me to make something for you?” Amelia shakes her head. She has taken enough from this woman already.

 

“Alright then. Take your time in here.” Her soft blue eyes study Amelia’s for a moment before she leans forward and plants a kiss on her forehead. She stands up and heads for the door. “Everything is going to be okay, Amelia,” she says over her shoulder before disappearing.

 

.

.

.

 

Amelia sighs and watches with tired eyes as Arizona slips her robe off her shoulders and climbs into bed beside her.

 

This is only the second time she has had the privilege of falling asleep next to the woman. The whispers of a smile ghost over her lips as she thinks back to that first night, when they had been so happy and light, unaware of the consequences of their actions. Amelia had told her she loved her that night. She still does, still aches for her in a way that can only be love, but her heart is heavy now. 

 

(Will love be enough for them, at the end of it all? She doesn’t know.)

 

Arizona rests her head on the pillow so that she’s facing Amelia, their noses only inches apart. She doesn’t press the brunette for answers as to what went wrong or what the future holds for them, and for that Amelia is tremendously grateful. Arizona’s patience is something she will forever admire.

 

The blonde reaches out and takes a small lock of her hair, tenderly running it between her fingers. It’s this small, seemingly meaningless gesture that prompts Amelia to open up to her. “I told him about us,” she says quietly, focusing on Arizona’s careful fingers, and begins to tell the story of what happened a few hours before.

 

“He gave me an ultimatum,” she says once she’s finished. “Can you believe that? After everything I’ve said, everything I’ve done, he gave me another chance.”

 

Arizona’s eyes narrow thoughtfully and she continues to play with the strand of Amelia’s hair. “He doesn’t want to be alone,” she says finally. “He’s scared to leave without a companion. His friends, his family, all live here, too. He doesn’t want to be alone once he leaves.”

 

“Teddy will be with him,” Amelia responds, thinking back to her conversation with Owen. He’d seemed so happy at the prospect of finally being with her again, of being reunited with the only soldier he had left. 

 

Arizona shakes her head. “Teddy is a widow. Why do you think she left in the first place? She’s dealing with her own sense of loneliness. He won’t be able to click with her the way he did before.”

 

Amelia nods, not at all surprised at how easily Arizona can provide insight into this situation and into both Teddy and Owen’s pain. It’s what makes her such an incredible doctor, especially with children; she can empathize with them quickly and effortlessly, understanding their pain while giving comfort at the same time. It’s what Amelia loves about her.

 

“He’s already lonely with me,” Amelia responds. “That will never change, not even if I go with him.” She shrugs sadly. “And anyway, I don’t want to go. I want to be with you.”

 

“I know.” Arizona lets go of the strand of hair and instead reaches for Amelia’s face, her cool fingertips skimming across the brunette’s cheek fleetingly. Amelia leans into her touch, her eyes fluttering shut as Arizona’s finger trails down her jawline and traces her clavicle. She leans forward then and kisses the corner of her mouth. “Get some rest, Amy,” she whispers. “Everything will be okay.”

 

Amelia nods and moves closer to her lover, burying her face in Arizona’s neck and sighing against her soft skin. She smells faintly of lavender. Arizona reaches out and drapes her arm across Amy’s hip, holding her in exactly the way Amelia needs.

 

“Don’t let go,” Amelia whispers, her voice growing thick with sleep.

 

Arizona doesn’t. She just clutches her tighter.

 

* * *

 

_ before  _ —  _ october 2020 _

 

Amelia lets out an exhausted sigh as she locks her office door and heads down the hallway, ready to head home after a long (and unsuccessful) day. She’d lost a patient after a seven-hour surgery, and the failure is still fresh in her mind as she nods politely to a few nurses and continues down the corridor. There’s an exit at the end of the hall that doctors rarely ever use, at least not this late at night, so she figures she use it to escape without having to socialize with any of her coworkers.

 

She’s right. The exit plants her outside of the hospital in a dimly lit area. It’s quite a ways away from the parking lot, but she doesn’t mind the walk; it gives her a chance to clear her head in the cool night air, let go of today’s loss and anticipate tomorrow’s successes.

 

A single streetlight illuminates her path as she walks against the side of the building, it’s heavy brick wall preventing her from seeing inside the hospital. Suddenly it crosses her mind that this was probably not a very smart route to take; she is small and vulnerable now, and anyone sulking in the shadows could approach her. The thought is fleeting, though, and disappears from her mind completely when she sees a familiar figure leaning against the brick wall a few yards away.

 

She’d recognize that long blonde hair anywhere. Amelia’s brow furrows as she cautiously approaches Arizona, not sure if she should greet the woman but knowing deep down it will be impossible to get past her unless she does.

 

A year or so has passed since she has really spoken with Arizona. Ever since that night in the lab they have drifted apart, avoiding each other in fear of being alone together. It’s funny that they’d end up meeting after all this time, in the one place Amelia thought she wouldn’t see anyone.

 

At closer inspection, Amy realizes that the woman is smoking a cigarette. The way she puckers her lips around it is alluring, even from a distance, and Amelia watches in a trance as the cloud of smoke exits her mouth, slowly dissipating into the chill air.

 

“You weren’t kidding when you said you smoke sometimes,” Amelia says as she steps forward, pausing only a foot or so from Arizona. “Not going to lie, I thought you were joking. Smoking doesn’t really fit your ‘cheeky, pep girl’ persona.”

 

Arizona glances over at her with an emotion in her eyes that Amy can’t quite make out. Annoyance, maybe? Or relief? She doesn’t know. Meeting her gaze head on, Amelia allows herself the rare opportunity to take the woman in. She wears tight black jeans and a dark blazer, her long hair spilling over her shoulders effortlessly. The dark red tint to her lips brings forward a year of aching desire. She has missed her.

 

Arizona smirks as Amelia checks her out unashamedly. She takes another drag slowly, and Amy vaguely notices the faded red stain where her full lips have connected with the cigarette. The desire deep in her belly stirs once again.

 

“Don’t talk to me like we’re friends,” Arizona says, her tone aloof and cold as she speaks. “We’re not friends.”

 

Amelia lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “What are we, then?” 

 

Arizona gives her a sultry, almost seductive look from underneath her thick, dark lashes. It goes straight to Amelia’s core. The mood between them shifts, turning from resentful and cold to something that is hardly innocent. Arizona lets out a puff of smoke before dropping her cigarette, stomping out the flicker of a fire with her tall black stiletto, her hair swaying ever so slightly as she turns back to the brunette.

 

Amelia knows then she won’t be able to control her actions.

 

She pushes Arizona back against the wall with one swift motion and instantly latches their lips together, the kiss hot and wet and dirty. She takes like cigarettes and betrayal. Amelia grabs one of Arizona’s small hands and pins it above her head, flinching ever so slightly at the feeling of the scratchy brick wall underneath her fingernails. She plants her other hand on the side of Arizona’s face and presses against her, needing to feel every part of the woman. A gasp is pulled from her throat when she feels Arizona’s teeth graze against her bottom lip.

 

Amelia slides her thigh in between Arizona’s wordlessly, acting more on desire than any of her rational thoughts. God, if Owen could see her right now… She is a terrible person, a horrible, cheating monster, but that notion is dragged away from her mind the moment she feels Arizona grind against her leg unabashedly.

 

(This woman is going to be the death of her.)

 

Ever the overachiever, Amelia grins wickedly and drags her lips down Arizona’s neck, nipping at the sensitive skin as her companion writhes against her. Arizona laces their fingers together, her arm still pinned over her head, and slips her other hand under the thin fabric of her blouse. Amelia lets out a breathy moan at the feeling of Arizona’s fingers dragging down her ribcage. The blonde uses the opportunity to capture Amy’s lips again.

 

This time, the kiss is short.  _ Too short,  _ even. It isn’t as rough as their previous kisses, and after a single precious moment, Arizona pulls away, drawing her hands into her side and slipping out from against Amelia.

 

Amelia is shocked at how quickly she goes from consumed by Arizona to bereft of her presence. It makes her heart ache, and she glances down, touching her slightly bruised lips with the tip of her index finger. 

 

“We’re not friends,” Arizona says quietly, and pulls another cigarette from her pocket before turning and disappearing into the night.

 

* * *

 

_ now  _ —  _ june 2022 _

 

Bright blue eyes are the first thing Amelia wakes up to.

 

Arizona kisses her lips the moment Amy is coherent enough to reciprocate the action. “Good morning,” she whispers, smiling into the kiss. “Feel better?” Amelia instantly nods, pulling away from her lover so she can sit up and stretch. “Definitely. I feel like a thousand bucks.”

 

Arizona is already up and dressed, her purse sitting at the edge of the bed. Amelia quirks an eyebrow at the woman before glancing over at the clock. 5:48 AM. “Are you going into work early?” she asks, and Arizona nods, pressing another kiss to Amelia’s lips before standing up. “Yeah. I’ve got a lot to do today, so I might as well get in there as soon as possible.”

 

Amelia feigns a pout and collapses back onto the bed, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep. “I was hoping we could spend the morning together,” she says with mock anger. Arizona just laughs and leans forward, running a hand through Amy’s tousled brown hair. “We’ll do something special tonight. I assume Owen won’t want you back home anytime soon, correct?”

 

Her heart instantly sinks at the mention of her husband. She is still nowhere near being free of his suffocating grasp, but Amelia knows that being here now is a start; however, there is still a long road ahead. Work today will certainly not be fun.

 

Amy sighs, nodding an answer to Arizona. “I’m probably the last person he wants to see.” She falls silent for a moment or so, pondering how drastically her life has changed over the course of twelve hours. “Can I stay here until I… Until I get back on my feet and figure out where to go?”

 

Arizona gives her a look. “Why do you even ask? You already know the answer.” She sits back down then and pulls Amelia into a hug, kissing the side of her head. “I  _ want  _ you here, Amy. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

 

Amelia smiles into the embrace, the heaviness in her heart dissipating and turning into something much more light. “You’re my home,” she whispers, so faintly that she isn’t sure Arizona even hears her.

 

(She’s the only home Amelia has ever known.)

 

.

.

.

 

The day goes by swiftly for Amelia. She’s in and out of the OR all day, working cases with Edwards and avoiding Owen as much as possible. Luckily he is too busy to seek her out; either that or he just doesn’t care enough. 

 

Unfortunately, however, Arizona is absent as well. Amelia is tempted to head down to the Peds ward and try and seek her out, but ultimately thinks better of it, knowing it will only lead to them stumbling into an on-call room, unable to keep their hands off each other. As appealing as that sounds, Amelia has too much work to spend half an hour having an amorous meet up with her not-so-girlfriend.

 

She does, however, receive a text from the blonde. The slight typos and lack of punctuation tell her it was hastily written.  _ Something came up so I wont be home unti late,  _ it reads. It’s unlike Arizona to send her message without ending it with an exclamation point or a smiley face, something Amelia notes quizzically as she glances at the text and reaches for her purse. 

 

She doesn’t mind Arizona’s tardiness, though. It only gives her an excuse to get dinner prepared and surprise the blonde once she comes home. Arizona doesn’t like surprises, she thinks to herself as she heads out the hospital’s main doors, and smirks.

 

She’s pretty sure Arizona will like this one.

 

.

.

.

 

Three hours later Amelia is setting the last of the table when the door opens and Arizona walks into the dining room. “I hope you like fish,” Amelia says as she strolls up to her lover, a sly grin on her face. “I am by no means a decent cook, but I figured I’d try and whip something up so you’d have dinner when you got home.” Her arms slide around Arizona’s hips and Amelia pulls the woman into her easily, brushing their lips together in a gentle kiss.

 

Arizona smiles and laces her arms around Amelia’s neck, but her eyes are troubled. Amy detects the emotion easily. “What’s up?” she asks, arms still wrapped around her waist. “Is everything okay?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Arizona responds easily, but her eyes shift ever so slightly, a telltale that the woman is lying. “Let’s talk after dinner, okay?” She pulls away then and meanders into the kitchen. 

 

“This looks great!” Arizona’s voice is enthusiastic and bright as she examines the meal Amelia prepared, obviously trying to distract her from the issue at hand—whatever it is. 

 

Amy smiles, even as worry begins to set in.

 

.

.

.

 

They’re clearing the dishes when Arizona brings it up.

 

“So Callie called me today,” she says nonchalantly, wiping down the counter and throwing a paper towel into the trash. Amelia instantly looks up. “What’d she say?” No good can come from this, she thinks, even as she composes herself and pretends to look pleasantly interested. Arizona keeps her gaze focused on her work, not meeting Amy’s eyes, which only furthers her worry.

 

“Penny is leaving her.” The words come out strained and heavy. Amelia is shocked. Sure, she never cared for Penny Blake, having disliked her the moment she discovered the role she played in her brother’s death, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel bad for Callie. Because she does. The woman had never been anything but good to her, and Amelia knows firsthand how much a failing relationship can take a toll on someone.

 

“Wow,” Amelia responds, taking it in. Arizona just nods. “I know. I mean, they seemed fine when I flew out to drop Sofia off for the summer, but I guess they’ve been having problems for a while now, and Penny is ready to jump ship. Callie’s a wreck.”

 

Amelia looks down, genuinely feeling sorry for the woman. “I’m so sorry,” she says to Arizona, who looks at her with sad eyes. There’s something else hidden in her dark blue orbs, though, an emotion Amy isn’t quite sure she can make out. Is that guilt? 

 

Arizona returns her gaze to the counter after a moment, wiping the hard surface down again. “Here’s the thing,” she says, which only catches Amelia’s attention more. “She’s going through a rough patch, and with Sofia down there for the summer… It’s going to be pretty hectic. So I said I’d go down there and stay with them while Callie finalizes the divorce and everything.”

 

Amelia instantly raises a brow, unable to keep the shock out of her expression. “Really?” she asks, feeling a prick of what she thinks is jealousy deep inside her. “Can’t… Can’t Sofia just come home? Why do you have to go all the way out to New York?”

 

Arizona shoots her a look then, and Amelia is surprised at the resentment she sees in those beautiful eyes. “It’s still Callie’s time,” she says, her tone cold and her words clipped. “She has rights. And she needs me. This will be her third divorce now, and she… She’s going to need someone on her side. It’s only right that that person be me.”

 

Amelia looks down, trying to process what the woman is saying. “So you’re just going to pack up and leave? What about work? You’re the department head, Arizona. There’s no way Bailey is going to be okay with that.”

 

“Actually, Bailey’s completely fine with it. She knows how hard I’ve been working for years now, and said I deserved a break. Alex will act as temporary Head of Pediatrics until I get back. It should only be a couple months.”

 

Amelia’s jaw drops and she scoffs at the blonde’s words.  _ “Months?  _ Arizona, are you really going to just leave for that long?” Arizona doesn’t respond, just looks down at her feet. “I don’t mean to overstep any boundaries here,” Amelia continues, “but Callie isn’t your wife anymore. It’s not your responsibility to look after her. Not when you have a life here.”

 

_ Not when you have me.  _ Those are the words Amy truly wants to say, but keeps herself from; they sound clingy and selfish, two things Amelia has never wanted to be. More than anything, though, she doesn’t say them because she doesn’t want them to scare Arizona. The woman is already pondering leaving, and the last thing she needs is to give Arizona one more reason to do so.

 

“I’ll come back,” Arizona says, sighing in exasperation. “You know that, Amy. And it’s not like it’s going to change things between us.” Her voice is softer, now, and Amelia watches as the blonde makes her way towards her, resting her hands low on Amy’s hips. “You’re still the one I love. That will never change. I just have to help Callie now.”

 

I need help, too, Amelia wants to say, but doesn’t. It makes her sound petty, and jealous, and will only make things harder. “So what am I supposed to do? Just go back to Owen?” The words come out harsh and icy, two things Amelia never intended for them to be. Arizona withdraws her hands and pulls them to her side. “I left him for you, Arizona. I threw him out like yesterday’s trash so that we could start a life together, so that we could  _ be  _ together. I broke his heart for you. What am I supposed to do now? Try and fix that?”

 

Arizona’s eyes are a metallic blue, now, frigid and unwelcoming in a way Amelia has never witnessed before. “Well, you were always on the fence about it before,” she responds, stepping away from the brunette. “And he gave you a second chance. So if you want to flee, if you want to run in the other direction and go back to him, I guess it would make sense.”

 

“Oh, let’s not pretend  _ I’m  _ the one that’s fleeing,” Amelia retorts. “You’re the one who wants to fly across the country to go help someone who isn’t even in your life anymore.”

 

“Callie is the mother of my child,” Arizona spits back. “She will always be a part of my life.”

 

Wet hot tears prick at Amelia’s eyes and threaten to spill onto her cheeks. Amy struggles to keep them at bay. “And what does that make me?” she asks, her voice breaking at the end of her question. “Just some cheap whore who was stupid enough to destroy her marriage for you?”

 

Arizona’s eyes widen and she shakes her head, but the fire remains in her eyes. “Don’t make yourself the victim here. And don’t act like that marriage would have worked out if it weren’t for me.”

 

“That’s the thing, though, Arizona.” Amelia’s voice is low and defeated as she speaks. “It would have worked out. If it weren’t for you, if you didn’t exist, I could have been happy with him. It was you who made me think I deserved more than Owen. And maybe… maybe that was a mistake.”

 

.

.

.

 

They go to bed angry.

 

Amelia has heard the advice, knows that you and your partner should never go to bed without resolving an argument, knows it only worsens the fight and damages the relationship. Still, she slips under the covers wordlessly and turns her back to Arizona, despite how badly she wants to curl into her the way they had the night before.

 

Her heart feels heavy and her stomach feels sick. This is the second night in a row she has had an argument with someone she cares about, albeit for different reasons. But in some ways, the fights are similar. Both Owen and Arizona want to leave, both are doing so out of a sense of loyalty for another person: Teddy for Owen, and Callie for Arizona. Both should be able to do so. Deep down Amelia knows she should let Arizona go, instead of holding her back and chaining her to this place. She deserves to be happy, to be free. And if free means flying to New York to be with her ex-wife, Amelia should let her.

 

Would Arizona let her do the same thing? If the roles were reversed and it was Amelia who wanted to leave, ready to help Owen in his hour of need, would Arizona let her go?

 

(Amelia thinks she would.)

 

It’s what makes her turn to the woman, struggling to make out her gentle features in the darkness of the bedroom. “If you want to go, if Callie needs you right now, you go. You go, and you help her.”

 

Arizona’s eyes flicker open, storms thundering in those precious blue orbs. “If you want to go with Owen, you should, too.”

 

It’s the wrong thing to say.

 

Amelia turns away then, her chest tight with dread. She was trying to be kind when she gave permission for Arizona to go. She certainly hadn’t expected the woman to suggest she leave, too. Arizona leaving for a few months and Amelia departing  _ forever  _ are two very different things.

 

Don’t let me go, she’d whispered to Arizona in that on-call room, as they’d given into their desires and fell into each other. Arizona had promised not to, but as Amelia glances over at her in the darkness, she realizes that’s exactly what the blonde is doing.

 

She’s letting her go.

  
  



	5. five

_ now  _ —  _ june 2022 _

 

Two very important things happen at the hospital the next day:

 

1) Teddy Altman returns to Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital in search for Owen, and

 

2) Owen discovers the nature of Arizona and Amelia’s relationship.

 

But first things first. Amelia goes into work early, slipping into her car at the break of dawn and speeding to the hospital as quickly as the speed limit allows. There’s an unbearable headache thundering in the back of her skull as she enters the building. It’s early, certainly too early for her to be having a migraine this awful. She grabs a cup of coffee and hopes it will dull the pain.

 

(It doesn’t.)

 

Amelia spends a few hours in her office, keeping herself as busy as possible while she hides out. She’s been doing that a lot, lately, hiding in her office or in labs or in the attendings’ lounge, trying to avoid seeing people she doesn’t have the courage to face. 

 

She never thought Arizona would be added to that list.

 

It’s ten AM when she finally pulls herself from her office. Amelia heads down into the main lobby in search for Edwards, who is supposed to be scrubbing in with her. They’d grown close after the woman chose neuro as her specialty, and Amelia looks forward to working with her, knowing Edwards won’t pester her about her marriage or anything romance related.

 

She’s turning the corner and passing the front desk when she runs into Arizona. A twinge of anxiety nips at Amelia as she forces herself to meet Arizona’s bright blue eyes. She’s smiling, seemingly unaffected by last night’s altercation, but when her gaze lands on Amy the blonde’s face falls. “Hey, are we going to talk?” she asks, voice low as she reaches out and grabs Amelia’s elbow.

 

Amy instantly sighs and looks down for a moment. “What is there to say?” 

 

Arizona gives her a look then, obviously not in the mood for games. “Well, are you going with Owen to Texas?”

 

Amelia’s anxiety quickly turns to anger at that. “Here’s the thing, Arizona,” she begins, voice low with barely controlled rage. “When I said that you could go and help Callie, I was trying to be kind. I was trying to compromise and let you go because I knew that you’d be  _ coming back.  _ I wasn’t letting you go forever. So for you to suggest that I should go be with Owen… What the hell was that? Is it really that easy for you to—”

 

Her rant is cut off, then, because suddenly Arizona’s eyes light up with shock at something behind Amy and her jaw drops, clearly surprised at whatever it is. Amelia turns around to find none other than Theodora Altman walking up to them.

 

It’s Amelia’s turned to be shocked now. She gasps at the scene before her, a mixture of surprise, happiness, and dread sinking into her all at once. She hasn’t seen Teddy for several years, having gotten to know her only on the few occasions that she had come out to Seattle to visit Owen and the rest of her old comrades. She’d stayed at their house a couple times, and it had been easy for Amelia to like her. She’d consider her a friend. But now, with talk of MEDCOM and moving to Texas, she isn’t sure that still stands.

 

“Teddy!” Arizona and Amelia both exclaim at once. The woman beams at the pair and instantly rushes up to them, setting down her bag in order to pull Arizona into a tight hug. Amelia smiles as she watches the two embrace, trying to ignore the awkwardness creeping in from behind her. The hug is long and when they finally pull away, Arizona keeps her arms on Teddy’s. “What are you doing here, Teddy? Oh my gosh! You should’ve called.”

 

Teddy smiles at the blonde before turning to Amelia. “Oh, I just figured I was due for a visit,” she says over her shoulder as she moves forward and hugs Amy. The embrace is warm and kind, but certainly not as long or as emotional as the one she shared with Arizona. “Amelia,” she greets happily as they pull apart. “How are you? God, it’s been forever.”

 

Amelia smiles and instinctively moves closer to Arizona. Her first impulse is to draw comfort from the woman, to alleviate her nervousness with the warmth of the woman’s touch, but she has to remind herself that they can’t do that here. Not in front of her husband’s best friend.

 

(Arizona probably wouldn’t want to, anyway.)

 

“It has,” Amelia agrees, as Arizona nods. “You haven’t been back here for what, two years?” the blonde asks, her cheery tone something that instantly puts Amelia at ease. Teddy nods and smiles, even as Arizona waves a finger at her in mock disapproval. “You stopped responding to my emails.”

 

Teddy grins mischievously at that and bows her head. “Well, I’ve been busy. MEDCOM always keeps me on my feet.” They all laugh, and silently Amelia uses the lack of conversation to take in Teddy’s appearance. Her hair is still that long dirty blonde, falling around her shoulders easily, and there’s a light in her eyes as she converses with them. Age has not changed her, Amelia thinks, and wonders what the woman will think once she sees Owen’s worn appearance. He certainly can’t say the same.

 

“Is that why you’re here?” Amelia asks, smiling knowingly. “I don’t suppose your visit has anything to do with Owen’s recent job offer from MEDCOM.”

 

Teddy laughs slightly. “Guilty as charged,” she says with a grin. “I would be lying if I said I didn’t come here to try and convince him to take the job. I did want to catch up with the two of you, though. Really.”

 

“Sure,” Arizona says with a smirk, rolling her eyes sarcastically. Amelia is surprised at how easily she gets along with the other woman. She’d known that Teddy and Arizona had been good friends before her departure, and seeing them now only exemplifies that. She’s glad Arizona has found her friend again but secretly wishes she were the one making her laugh right now.

 

“So, is there any way you can take me to Owen?” Teddy asks, adjusting the bag on her shoulder. “I know showing up in the middle of the work day is less than convenient, but I was hoping I could catch him before lunch and take him out. You’re more than welcome to join us, Amelia.”

 

Amelia blanches at the thought of spending her afternoon with her soon to be ex-husband. As much as she’d love to catch up with Teddy, it’s not worth it to her if it means having to face Owen. “You know what, I’m actually just about to go into surgery,” she says, feigning disappointment. “I can have an intern help you track him down, though. And I’ll make it up to you sometime this weekend. How long are you staying?”

 

Teddy shrugs. “As long as it takes me to convince Owen to take the job, I suppose.”

 

“Well, hopefully I’ll be seeing a lot of you, then,” Amelia responds with a smile. “Catch up with me after surgery?” Both Teddy and Arizona nod. Just as Amelia turns to go, Arizona reaches out and grabs her wrist. “Can we talk once you’re out?” she asks, bright blue eyes pleading with hers.

 

Amelia glances at Teddy, who has conveniently decided to pull out her phone just now, obviously trying to give them space. Amy appreciates the gesture but wonders if she suspects anything. “...If I see you, I see you,” she responds to Arizona eventually, not wanting to give into her pleading just because Teddy is there. Arizona frowns and gives her that look, the one that makes her want to melt and fall into the woman. Still, Amelia holds her ground. 

 

“I’ll come find you, then,” Arizona says determinedly. Amelia tries not to scoff as she turns around and leaves.

 

.

.

.

 

Several hours later, Amelia is sulking away from OR 3 and into her office. The patient had died on the table, persevering for as long as he could before ultimately giving into the tumor poisoning him from the inside out. The loss weighs heavy on Amelia’s shoulders as she walks into her office and slams the door behind her.

 

She grabs the water bottle resting on the corner of her desk and takes a swig, downing the lukewarm water as quickly as her throat will allow. Her mouth feels dry even after she finishes the drink. She falls back into her seat with a deep sigh, closing her eyes and gently massaging her temples with her fingers.

 

Amelia is allowed only a few moments of silence before the door opens. She instantly knows who it is. “I was serious when I said I was coming to find you,” Arizona says, frowning at Amelia and her exhausted appearance. Amelia opens her eyes and tries her hardest not to glare at the woman.

 

“What do you need?” 

 

“I need to talk with you.”

 

“Well, you’re here now. Just spare me the details and say what you have to say so I can go home.”

 

“And where is home, Amelia?” Arizona asks, voice soft. She hates how close the woman is getting, walking closer and closer to her desk until she’s standing right at the edge, only inches from Amelia. Part of Amy wants to lean up and kiss her. She bites the inside of her cheek to keep herself from doing so.

 

“I thought home was with you,” Amelia responds, trying to keep the sadness out of her voice but failing miserably. “But obviously, I was wrong.”

 

Arizona sighs then. “I have to go help Callie,” she says gently. “You know that. I’m sorry that it’s pushing us apart, but Amelia, it doesn’t have to. It doesn’t have to destroy us.”

 

Amelia’s eyes widen and she stands up, throwing up her arms in exasperation at the woman. “This isn’t about Callie!” she exclaims, voice rising with each word she says. “I was okay with that. I was willing to let you go. This is about you telling me to go be with Owen! After everything we’ve been through, after all the bridges I have burned in order to be with you, why are you willing to give me up so easily?”

 

She’s shouting, now, eyes wild and bottom lip trembling with what Amelia knows will eventually turn into tears. Arizona reaches out and grabs her arm, trying to calm her down, but Amelia pulls away from her. “Stop,” Arizona pleads, reaching for her again, this time grabbing both of her arms. Amy struggles against her grip but can already feel herself giving into the woman, her lips moving to find Arizona’s. The blonde responds immediately when she kisses her. Her hands move down to Amelia’s waist, gripping her with an intensity that only fuels the fire between them. Amelia cups her cheeks, fighting back tears, and—

 

Amy flinches at the sound of the door opening. When she pulls away from Arizona she finds Owen standing in the doorway, jaw slack as he gapes at his wife kissing another woman. Teddy is behind him. She looks surprised, but there is a knowing gleam in her eye, as if she’d expected the affair the moment she saw Amelia and Arizona in the lobby this morning.

 

Amelia can’t decide whose reaction scares her more.

 

There are tears sliding onto her cheeks, having welled up in her eyes the moment she kissed Arizona. She says nothing, just takes a step away from the blonde and faces their interrupters with a guilt-ridden expression. Because really, what can she say? She can’t apologize because it’s too late for that, and she can’t explain herself, because Owen already knows she’s having an affair. So she just meets his gaze squarely, trying to ignore Teddy in the background. 

 

“So it’s her,” Owen says finally. She can see how tightly he’s gripping the doorknob through the way the veins in his arm pop out, straining with the force of his grip. Amelia just nods. Suddenly she has the impulse to reach out and take Arizona’s hand, as if it will officiate their relationship and somehow make them stronger, but she doesn’t. Instead she keeps her hands to her sides and tries to keep the tears at bay.

 

“I guess this means you’re not coming with me to Texas, then.” Amelia’s eyes flick over to Teddy at his words, and she is surprised to find the woman’s green orbs riddled with guilt. She must feel as if she has forced Owen into taking the job. Her eyes dart down to the floor as her lips twist into an uncomfortable frown, forcing Amelia to look away. “So you’re going, then? It’s settled?”

 

Owen clenches his jaw, the muscle straining as he grits his teeth. “There’s nothing left for me here, so yes, I’m going.”

 

Amelia nods. It isn’t all that unexpected to her; in all honesty, she knew Owen would eventually leave, whether she went with him or not. She knows how unhappy he’s been here for months, maybe even years. Briefly she wonders if he hasn’t been truly happy since Cristina.

 

“I’m sorry.” Amelia’s voice is soft when she speaks, but it carries a weight—the weight of a failed marriage, of broken promises and futile attempts to fix things, of years of unhappiness. She  _ is  _ sorry. She doesn’t think she has ever been sorrier for something in her life. To her surprise, Owen just nods, the way his eyes soften telling her he accepts her apology. “Me, too,” he says quietly. “Things should have been different.”

 

.

.

.

 

Four hours later Amelia finds herself sitting at the Emerald City Bar.

 

All around her people are drinking, throwing back whiskies and beers and everything between. Amelia is just about to join them. She’d ordered a vodka tonic half an hour ago, and it had arrived two minutes later. She’d spent the remaining twenty-eight eyeing the drink skeptically and trying to decide whether or not it was worth it to her to take a sip.

 

Right now, on the other side of the city, Arizona is packing her bags and booking a flight to New York.

 

The thought makes her reach out and drag her finger along the rim of the glass, condensation gathering on the soft pad of her index finger and making her mouth water. She wants to drink it. God, she wants to have this drink so much, because she feels like hell and she’s alone, now, so it won’t really matter anyway. She could drown herself in glass after glass and it wouldn’t matter because she has no one to go home to, no one to try and be good for.

 

(She  _ deserves  _ this. She deserves to be numbed to all this pain.)

 

It has been years since she’s last had a drink, which is an achievement, she knows. Tomorrow when she wakes up and is on day one again, she will feel empty and guilty and broken. The thing is, though, she already feels all of those things. So why not take a sip?

 

After Owen had left her office, Teddy in tow, Arizona had turned away from her and prepared to depart as well. “So that’s it?” Amelia had asked, feeling completely drained. “I have to go to her,” Arizona had responded, voice low. “What you decide to do while I’m gone… That’s up to you.” The woman’s response had shaken Amelia to her core. When forced to choose between Callie, her ex-wife and someone who had only dropped by the last few years, and Amelia, who had given up everything just to be with her, Arizona had chosen the former.

 

The realization stings. Amelia brings the glass a few inches closer to her and studies it intensely. 

 

She’s just about to give into her temptations and take the first sip when two figures, one thick and burly and the other graceful and lithe, slide onto the bar stools on either side of her. Amelia knows instantly who it is.

 

“How many drinks have you had?” Owen asks quietly, his voice the most gentle she’s heard it in months. A sideways glance out of the corner of her eye tells her Teddy is her other visitor. “None yet.” Amelia’s voice is hollow and strained when she responds. She keeps her eyes low in order to avoid meeting her visitors’ gazes. “But I’m thinking about it. Maybe I’ll have just one, you know? It’s been a long day. I could use a drink.”

 

A sideways smirk slips onto her lips as she speaks, bringing her back to another time, a part of her life where she was young and careless and chased the rush more than anything else. Bars were like a second home to her, the people in them the closest thing she had to a family. Part of her wonders why she’d ever wanted to leave that kind of life. She’d felt so free then, without boundaries and limitations and people holding her back. Now her chains are too heavy to ever break.

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Owen says, tilting his head so he can look at her. Amelia scoffs. “Since when have you cared this much about my decisions? We spent five years in a marriage where neither of us cared about each other. Don’t tell me that now that it’s over, you want to fix that.” Her words drip with venom the same way they had when they’d fought back at the house, only this time Owen doesn’t meet her anger. Instead he lets out a sad sigh and turns on his bar stool so he’s facing her completely.

 

Amelia steals a glance at Teddy, then, and wonders why she’s still here. She’d no doubt come to Joe’s with Owen in order to grab a drink and discuss the day’s turn of events, but Amy figured she’d have turned around the moment she saw Amelia at the bar. They were good enough friends for her to know about Amy’s problems with sobriety in the past, but not close enough for her to know how to talk her off the ledge now.

 

Owen doesn’t respond. Instead the trio sits in silence for a few minutes, Amelia taking in the background noise of the bar and trying to let it soothe her troubled mind. She listens to a group of friends playing pool in the corner, next to a man and woman shooting darts, flirting harmlessly as the game progresses. Amelia gives them fifteen minutes before they wander into the filthy bathrooms in the back and give into each other. The bartender has stopped giving her skeptical looks ever since Owen and Teddy arrived, but he still looks suspicious, as if he recognizes a past addict when he sees one. Amelia knows the look on his face all too well.

 

“Arizona’s gone,” she says after a while, trying to sound aloof and disinterested but coming off more as miserable and sad. Teddy glances down and nods knowingly, as if it all makes sense now. “Where’s she leaving to?”

 

“New York. Apparently Callie needs her help while she goes through a divorce.”

 

Owen pipes up then. “Is she gone for good? I never heard anything from Bailey…”

 

“No. She said it would only be a couple months. But that doesn’t change the fact that she left me.”

 

Amy’s sure Owen is suppressing a bitter laugh right now. Who is she to complain about being left alone when she’s been cheating on her husband for months? Still, he keeps silent and his sympathetic gaze remains. 

 

(She doesn’t want his pity. She wants Arizona back.)

 

“Do you love her?” Owen asks after a moment or so. Teddy glances at him, obviously surprised at how calm he’s being. He shoots her a knowing look that tells her he’s had to do this for Amelia before. 

 

“I do.” Amelia’s voice breaks as she responds to the question. “But she’s gone, so it doesn’t really matter.” She shrugs sadly then, dull eyes studying the ice in her drink as it melts, slowly but surely. She feels drunk despite the fact that she hasn’t actually had anything to drink; she has always been the happy, carefree drunk, the one who went to parties and danced with strange men and lived life to the fullest. Now, though, she feels like a sad drunk, who sulks in the corner of the bar and tries to figure out where things went wrong.

 

“Nothing really matters anymore, you know? Not now. So I think I’ll have that drink.” Amelia reaches forward and tries to grab the glass, but it’s gone before she can grasp it, Owen’s hand darting out to pull the drink away from her. She laughs bitterly as he nods at the bartender and has the man take it away. 

 

“If you love her, she’ll come back to you,” Teddy says suddenly. Amelia glances over at her skeptically. She wants to glare, wants to shout at the woman and tell her she has no idea what this feels like, how it feels to be abandoned by the only person you have left. But the truth is, Teddy  _ does  _ know how it feels. So Amelia keeps her mouth shut and instead tries to accept the woman’s comforting words. “She’s not really gone, not if you keep her in your heart. That will bring her back to you.”

 

Teddy’s gaze is far off as she speaks. Amelia knows she’s thinking of her husband. She’d never really discussed Henry with Teddy or even Owen, but she knows the story of their time together, knows of his illness and how much his death took a toll on his wife. Amelia must seem petty and selfish right now, fretting over Arizona who is only temporarily gone, whereas Henry will never be able to come back. She glances down and ignores the prick of guilt stabbing her in the gut.

 

“You’re angry right now,” Owen says, speaking up. “You’re angry and you’re sad, and I understand that. But that’s no reason to throw away all the progress you’ve made and go back to day one.” The careful concern in his voice brings her back to when they were just getting to know each other. She’d liked him because of how timid he was around her, how he tried to help and provide comfort but was still so scared to do so, as if he pressed too hard he would scare her away. “You’re just… You’re feeling so much, Amelia. Maybe too much. You just need a second to process all your emotions before you act on them.”

 

Amelia scoffs at his words, and when she responds, her voice is bitter, empty. “That’s the thing, though,” she says quietly, glancing at him with hooded eyes. “I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel anything at all.”

 

.

.

.

 

Somehow Teddy and Owen manage to wrangle her up and take her home without any alcohol in her system. They sit her on the couch and leave her with a glass of ice water before disappearing into the back bedroom, no doubt to discuss what to do with her. 

 

Amelia wants to laugh. She hasn’t been coddled like this since Derek, or perhaps since her last relapse. It’s funny how people don’t come out to help until it’s too late. Bitterly she thinks that the person that should be doing this for her is Arizona, the way she had the night before, when she’d bathed her and held her and whispered sweet nothings in her ear until she fell asleep. Arizona should be with her, not Owen and Teddy, two people who she’s sure resent her deep down. 

 

She feels like a child right now, pathetic and small. Tears prick at her eyes. She bites her lip to keep them at bay.

 

A few minutes pass before she hears the door open and footsteps patter down the hallway. Amelia looks up to find Teddy standing before her. “Mind if I sit down?” she asks, and when Amy shrugs indifferently, she plops down on the sofa next to her.

 

They sit in silence for several heartbeats, Amelia not knowing how to initiate a conversation and not really wanting to, either. She is bone weary, lonely, and angry, and if she opens her mouth she isn’t sure she’ll be able to control what comes out.

 

Luckily, Teddy speaks up eventually and spares Amelia the heartache. “I don’t know enough about your relationship with Owen to berate you for cheating,” she begins, voice even as she speaks. Amelia turns away from the woman and suppresses a scoff. “I wish I did. I wish I was here more, to maintain the relationships I had with everyone and be there for Owen. Sometimes I wish I’d never left at all. But then I think about my husband, about the night he died and the way it changed everything for me… And I’m glad I left. Even if it meant giving up everything I had here. Not that there was a lot left.”

 

Amelia frowns and absentmindedly picks at the stitching of the throw pillow tucked against her side, unsure of where the woman is going with this conversation. Under different circumstances Amelia would be more inclined to listen and pay attention; hell, she might even be interested as to what Teddy means by ‘giving up everything’. But right now she can feel herself shutting down. She doesn’t have much left inside her and wants nothing more than to go to sleep, to forget about everything that went on today.

 

“I felt trapped here, before I left,” Teddy continues. “His ghost consumed me, chained me to this place and to the misery I felt here. Now, like I said, I don’t know much about your relationship with Owen. But if you felt trapped, if you felt the way I did after Henry died, then I can understand why you might look for comfort elsewhere. And with Arizona? I understand. She has a light inside her that most people lack. She’s… She’s genuinely good.”

 

A slight smile graces Amelia’s lips at the mention of Arizona, but it leaves her bitter and cold. Teddy is right. Arizona is bright and happy in all the places Owen is dark and solemn, but the bottom line is that when worse came to worse, she left. Owen may be getting ready to leave, too, but he’s here now. And so is Teddy. The thought only fuels her anger with Arizona.

 

“So I’m not going to blame you.” Amelia isn’t sure if she can believe Teddy right now. She knows how fiercely protective the woman has always been of Owen, so Amelia isn’t inclined to believe that she is truly this forgiving of her. “If it were anyone else, I’d be furious. But I know Arizona, and I know she wouldn’t break up a family like this unless… Unless what you two have is real.”

 

Amelia shakes her head then. If what they had was  _ truly  _ real, Arizona wouldn’t have left her for New York and Callie, would she? She would have stayed. Amelia has never needed her more than she does now, but she is gone. Everyone she loves leaves. Whether they die or just abandon her, everyone Amelia has ever cared for has left.

 

She is alone. She always will be.

 

“Why are you telling me this?” she asks Teddy quietly, still unsure of the woman. Teddy shrugs and studies the floor. “Because you’re a mess,” she says after a moment. Amelia wants to laugh. ‘Mess’ is an understatement. “You’re a mess, and you’re alone, and you deserve to have someone on your side.”

 

_ You deserve to have someone on your side.  _ It’s so similar to what Arizona had said about Callie the night before, when she’d insisted that she be the one to help her ex-wife through her impending divorce. Divorce is no doubt her next step with Owen, now that he is leaving for Texas, so in a way Teddy is right. She  _ is  _ going to need someone on her side. Still, she never thought it would be Owen’s best friend and closest ally.

 

“Shouldn’t you be on Owen’s side?” Amelia glances up at her then, cobalt eyes narrowed ever so slightly.

 

“I am on Owen’s side. But I’m on yours, too. No matter what your marriage looks like now, at one point you were there for him. You made him happy. When I left he was broken and beaten, a shell of the man that I first met. I can only imagine how badly that worsened after Cristina left. But when he found you, I think he gave himself another chance, decided to get back up and try again. No matter how that ended, he had a few years where he was genuinely happy. So I’m grateful for you, Amelia. Truly.”

 

Staring into Teddy’s light green eyes with their slight tinge of blue, Amelia realizes she will never understand this woman. She is an enigma, mysterious in so many ways yet warm and inviting in so many others. That must be why Owen likes her. She can see how the two would connect. They are similar in more ways than one and share the same memories, both good and bad. It’s reassuring, almost, to leave him with Teddy. He will be protected, taken care of. 

 

(It’s closure she didn’t know she needed.)

 

* * *

 

  _from arizona_ — _voicemail_

 

Voicemail message left by Dr. Arizona Robbins for Dr. Amelia Shepherd on June 29, 2022, at 10:23 PM. 

 

Length: 4 minutes, 37 seconds

 

_ … _

 

_ This is Dr. Amelia Shepherd, and I am currently unable to get to the phone. Please leave your name and number, and I will get back to you as soon as possible. _

 

_ *pause* _

 

_ *ding* _

 

Hey. It’s me. I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from right now, but…

 

I just wanted to hear your voice. And I know that’s probably the reason why you didn’t answer, so I wasn’t going to leave a voicemail. But then I thought that maybe  _ you  _ would want to hear  _ my  _ voice, so I figured I’d go ahead and leave one, just for the hell of it, and that maybe it would convince you to call me back, because I really need to talk to you…

 

Okay, I’m rambling. Sorry. I’ll stop.

 

Anyway, I just want you to know that I miss you like crazy. I miss you in the worst possible way, the kind where it hurts, like actually hurts. Deep down in your chest in a place that you should never have to hurt from, but you do anyway, because you left someone you love without getting to say goodbye. It’s the kind of ‘missing you’ that feels wrong.

 

I’m sorry I left, Amy. Really. I am. But Callie needed me, and  _ Sofia  _ needed me, and I just… I promised Mark that I would take care of them, that I would take care of our girls. I know that Callie isn’t really mine anymore, and I’m okay with that, but I just didn’t want to let him down. So I left.

 

It’s doing the wrong thing for the right reason. Right? 

 

I don’t know anymore. 

 

It’s been great to see Sofia. She’s grown so much already, and it’s only been a few months. Can you believe that? I feel like I’m missing so much of her childhood, but… This is the way things are. This is the way things have to be.

 

Am I rambling again?

 

Sorry.

 

I just… I wish you were here with me. I wish we were together. I’ve known for years how hard it is to be without you, but now that we’ve started making process towards a  _ real  _ relationship, I’m realizing how much harder it is. I want to be with you all the time: every day, all night, as much as possible. So to be without you right now is terrifying.

 

I don’t want you to go with Owen. When I said that, I was just… I was frustrated with Callie for needing me to help her, and with Mark for chaining me to her, so to speak, and with myself for hurting you. I didn’t mean it. I don’t want you to go with him, because you belong with me. We belong together. We were always supposed to find each other.

 

So wait for me, okay? Please. Wait for me. Because I’m coming back soon, and when I do, I want to start our life together. I want to marry you, and I want to buy a house and have kids, and I want to grow old with you. I know how crazy that must sound right now, but like I said, I’m missing you so much. I don’t know. You make me crazy.

 

I love you, Amelia. I always have. And I’m coming back for you. I’m  _ choosing  _ you. 

 

I love you. So wait for me. Please.

 

_ End of voicemail. Press one to listen to this message again. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two things:
> 
> 1) teddy altman is my GIRL. bringing her in was the only way i had the will to continue
> 
> 2) i appreciate all your kind comments and reviews. i can't guarantee timely updates to this fic or even an official ending, but i will try to post chapters when i can. i think these two deserve that. at any rate, all you beautiful readers certainly do.


	6. six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> presenting you with the final chapter of this fic. i admit, i did not intend to ever finish this story, but after prompts from a few dedicated readers (you know who you are), i decided to give these two the ending they deserved. i apologize if it seems rushed or is not what you were looking for. i had the majority of this chapter written months ago, but just now got around to finally finishing it. i hope this puts the story to bed in a way you can all appreciate.
> 
> also, i just wanted to say that i'm 95% sure teddy's appearance in this fic single-handedly willed kim raver to return to grey's. you're welcome.

_ now  _ —  _ august 2022 _

 

Amelia lets out a deep sigh and downs the beginnings of her fourth coffee before heading down the hallway and towards her office.

 

It’s only ten AM, but she already feels drained, having gotten up at a quarter to four in order to get ready and be at the hospital in time for surgery. It had gone smoothly, and after making a pitstop in the attendings’ lounge to refill her coffee and chit chat with Maggie for a few minutes, she’d figured a nap on the couch in her office wouldn’t hurt.

 

She’s strolling down the corridor, running a hand through her tousled brown hair, when Teddy Altman walks up to her. It’s only been two weeks since her arrival in Seattle. She’d been granted surgical privileges by Bailey and had done a few procedures with Maggie over the past week or so, no doubt as a way to pass time while Owen gave his two weeks notice and prepared to leave the hospital for good. They’d agreed to leave together. It only seemed fitting that the person who convinced him to take the job at MEDCOM be the one to escort him there, so after a lengthy discussion about the pros and cons of leaving Seattle, they’d settled on leaving as soon as possible.

 

‘As soon as possible’ has ended up being tomorrow.

 

“Hey,” Teddy greets, tone friendly as she changes her direction and falls into step with Amelia. “What time are you and Owen going in to sign the divorce papers? I wanted to pick up Chinese for dinner, but wasn’t sure when to bring it home.”

 

Amelia wants to laugh at the ease with which Teddy asks the question, as if it doesn’t sound bizarre when in all reality that’s  _ exactly  _ what it is. Bizarre. In the past two weeks the three of them had fallen into a strange sort of routine: Owen sleeps in the main bedroom, Teddy takes the guest, and Amelia rests on the couch. Teddy had been awfully cheery ever since her discussion with Amy, and surprisingly, Owen had been amicable as well. He’d hardly spoken of her relationship with Arizona, instead keeping his mouth mostly shut around her, save for the occasional curt greeting or nod as he passed her. Amelia can only wonder what Teddy must have said to him in order to get him to be as polite as he is now. If it were Amy and she was the one that had been cheated on, she certainly wouldn’t be this friendly.

 

“Uh, five,” Amelia responds, taking another sip from her coffee. “But it shouldn’t take long. I’m sure we’ll be home by the time you’ve got everything.” Teddy nods, smiling at a few doctors as they pass. The two women make small talk for a few minutes. Just as Amelia is about to turn down the hallway that will lead her to her office, Owen rounds the corner and almost runs into them.

 

“Oh, hey,” he says quietly, the corner of his mouth turning upwards in the slightest of smiles. Teddy grins. Amelia gives him a gentle yet somewhat awkward wave. Silence falls between the trio, the way it has been doing so often lately, and Amy looks down in order to avoid the uncomfortable look in Owen’s eyes. As civil as he’s been with her lately, she still can’t shake the guilt resting deep in her stomach, eating away at her and making it impossible for her to fix things. 

 

“Um, I’m getting Chinese food for dinner,” Teddy says after a moment, obviously trying to lighten the mood. Owen immediately brightens, but the emotion looks false and somewhat upsetting on his weary features. Amelia tries not to flinch. “Great!” he says, trying to lighten his smile but failing miserably. In the end he just ends up bowing his head for a brief moment, collecting himself as best he can.

 

“Well, as much as I’d love to continue chit-chatting,” Amelia says, “I’m beat, so I’m going to go take a nap while I have the chance. I’ve been up since four.” 

 

“Yeah, I didn’t see you this morning,” Teddy responds. Owen just nods, a bit more relaxed now that an awkward silence no longer permeates the air between them.

 

Amelia shrugs and finishes off the last of her coffee. “I’ll talk to you later,” Teddy says with a smile before turning and heading back the way they had come, leaving Owen standing stiffly against the wall. “Uh, I’ll see you at five then?” he asks quietly.

 

Amelia nods. “Yep. I’m ready to finish this once and for all,” she says with a grin, trying to relax him with a joke. She salutes him playfully, the way she used to before, but it comes off as awkward and somewhat embarrassing. Probably the wrong thing to say when preparing to divorce your husband of five years, she thinks, and glances down.

 

Still, Owen must appreciate what she’s trying to do (or at least understand it), because he laughs softly and gives her a small but genuine smile. “Alright. I’ll let you get some rest then, Amelia.”

 

He reaches out and rests a hand on her shoulder, the first comforting gesture he’s given her in what feels like years. It’s amazing to think that once he leaves for Texas, she may not ever see him again. Sure, he’d promised friends and coworkers he’d visit, but would he really want to come back to the city where his life fell apart?

 

Amelia puts her hand on top of his for a moment before they both pull away. She gives him a gentle nod, one he reciprocates, before turning around and heading for her office.

 

The night after he’d caught Amelia and Arizona, they had sat down and decided to discuss their future. It was obvious she wasn’t coming with him to Texas, and since their relationship had been over for months, it was easy to come to the agreement of a divorce. In a little over an hour they’d decided to sell the house, divide any belongings between them the proper way, and split as amicably as possible. Amelia had wanted to give him almost everything, feeling too guilty to walk away from the divorce as the ‘winner’, but Owen had insisted they split everything the right way and work together to make things simpler. Not having any kids certainly sped the divorce process up. She knows how bitter Owen had been for years about their lack of children, but at the end of it all, it certainly had made their departure from each other easier.

 

After their discussion, they’d gotten started with the divorce immediately. They’d filed the required papers, met with a lawyer when necessary, signed their names on the compulsory documents. Owen met with the chief to announce his departure from Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, Amelia helped him back his belongings and search for an apartment close to MEDCOM headquarters. Teddy had been there every step of the way to offer help and ease the awkwardness between them. 

 

And Arizona? Arizona had been a ghost throughout it all. She’d left a few voicemails, called a handful of times, sent the occasional text. Amelia had been too busy to acknowledge any of them.

 

In the span of two weeks her life had shifted completely. At one point Amelia would have said it was for the better. Now, though, now that she’s alone and no longer has Arizona, she’s inclined to say it had all been for worse.

 

.

.

.

 

Owen fiddles with his keys for a few impatient moments before finding the right one and promptly unlocking the door. Amelia watches silently, stealing a glance out at their front yard and the heavy white sign reading ‘FOR SALE BY OWNER’ planted in the grass. They’d already gotten several offers on the house and had taken the first one. In a few weeks, when the contracts go through and all the papers are signed, a new family will move into this house and Amelia will officially be on her own.

 

She’d considered living with Meredith again, the way she had so many years ago. Thinking back to the way things used to be brought her a sliver of much-needed comfort. But she’d eventually been forced to face the fact that things are no longer the way they were. Maggie had moved out of the house years ago, deciding it was best to get her own place when she realized how serious Meredith and Riggs were getting. Zola is older, now, and probably won’t enjoy her aunt living with her the way she had when she was younger - and anyway, Meredith isn’t exactly Amelia’s best friend right now, so moving back in isn’t an option. 

 

Amelia shakes her head as if to dismiss the thought and smiles softly when Owen opens the door for her. She steps inside wordlessly and is instantly hit with the rich smell of food coming from the kitchen. Setting her bag on the coffee table, Amelia wanders into the dining room and runs into Teddy, who is setting the table for three. 

 

“Hey guys,” she says cheerily. “How’d it go?”

 

Amelia shrugs, not quite sure how to respond. She was signing divorce papers, officially ending a chapter of her life that had caused her both grief and happiness. How is that  _ supposed  _ to go? Good? 

 

“It was fine,” Owen says as he heads into the kitchen. Amelia just nods, agreeing with his statement. ‘Fine’ is probably the best word to describe what went on. 

 

Amelia follows him into the kitchen and searches through the cupboards for a glass, eventually coming up empty. They’d packed up almost everything, including the majority of Amelia’s belongings, even though she has yet to find a new place to live. Tomorrow morning, a crew of hourly movers will load Owen’s boxes into a truck and begin the drive to Texas, where he will start his new life. 

 

It’s a lot to take in. Amelia smirks at the thought.

 

She makes small talk with Owen and Teddy during dinner, feeling almost relieved that this is the last meal she will have with them for a while. The past two weeks have been difficult, rousing dozens of emotions she thought she’d put to bed years ago and making them run rampant in her mind. But after signing the papers and officially ending things, she feels good. 

 

This is the right thing to do. Now Owen can be free. And she can be free. They will no longer have to live like prisoners in this place, bound to each other when they both want nothing more than to move on. The history between them will remain, but the air will be clear. They will no longer be burdened by petty arguments and hurtful words. 

 

They will be  _ free _ .

 

The thought makes her feel light for the first time in years. Part of her is still bogged down, though, the realization that Arizona is not with her heavy on her shoulders. She’s sure that will never change. A part of her will always crave for Arizona, for the life they should have led and the things they should have said to one another.

 

Amelia had wanted to call her at first, but eventually decided it wasn’t the best idea. She has always been prideful, and crawling back to Arizona after essentially getting dumped hurt her ego too much. She’d decided the first night after Arizona’s departure that she would not grovel, and if that meant ignoring her, then so be it. Since then she hadn’t answered any of the blonde’s calls, had disregarded all texts, and had refused to listen to her voicemails. It was for the better, she’d told herself. 

 

(She isn’t sure whether or not that’s true.)

 

It’s still light outside when they finish their meal. Owen clears the table while Amelia and Teddy get started on the dishes. They fall into a comfortable silence as they work, something they’ve been doing a lot ever since Teddy arrived and she squared things away with Owen. Truthfully, Amy is extremely glad the other woman came out; seeing her in person was just the push Owen needed to take the job, which will no doubt prove to be the right decision for him. Her presence has also made this a lot easier on the both of them. The divorce has already put a considerable strain on their relationship (or what’s left of it, anyway), and if it weren’t for her, Amelia is sure they would be a lot worse off. 

 

“You okay?” Teddy asks as she puts away the last dish. Amelia nods and dries her hands on a nearby towel. “Yeah. Just… Relieved, you know? I’m relieved.” Teddy nods knowingly and studies her for a few moments. Again Amelia is grateful for the companionship the woman has shown her the past few weeks. “Thank you,” she says softly. She doesn’t need to elaborate or explain herself. Understanding shines in Teddy’s green eyes and she just smiles. “You’re welcome.”

 

Amelia watches as Teddy grabs two beers from the fridge, one of the only items still left in the unit aside from a gallon of milk and a dozen eggs. She hands one to Owen and before heading towards the sliding glass doors that lead to the patio out back. Owen follows behind her, pausing just before stepping outside. “You coming?” he asks, turning to her. Amy nods and smiles. “Yeah.”

 

She strolls over to him with a yawn. Just as Teddy slides open the door and takes a step into the cool night air, the doorbell rings. 

 

“Were you expecting anyone?” Teddy asks, raising a brow skeptically. It’s a little late for visitors. Owen shrugs his broad shoulders as a heavy knock sounds from down the hall. “Maybe it’s the neighbors coming to wish you off,” Amelia says jokingly. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll go answer it.”

 

Owen and Teddy both nod gratefully before stepping out onto the patio. Amelia watches them go before turning down the hallway and heading towards the front door, absentmindedly noting the collection of light brown moving boxes piled up in the living room. Come tomorrow night they will all be gone. She’s almost scared to face that.

 

Amy runs a hand through her mussed hair in an attempt to fix it before answering the door. Another set of knocks sound, something she notes with a hint of irritation. Whoever’s out there is certainly impatient. She debates deliberately waiting a minute or so, just to frustrate them a bit more, but eventually does the right thing and answers the door.

 

Her eyes widen with a mixture of shock, relief, and anger when she greets her visitor.

 

It’s Arizona.

 

(She should have known.)

 

Amelia’s first thought when she looks at the woman is that she’s a mess. She looks drained, her face pale and lacking color, which only accentuates the dark purple bags under her eyes. Her hair is ruffled ever so slightly, as if she’s been out in the wind, and her eyes are wide and puffy like she’s been crying. Arizona’s disheveled appearance makes Amelia want to rush forward and pull her into an embrace, but she refrains. Hurt and anger make her reluctant to even invite the woman in. Disbelief and happiness, however, make her jaw drop and her eyes well up with the beginnings of tears.

 

“Hi,” Arizona says simply, lip trembling ever so slightly.

 

Amelia laughs, her heart aching with all the emotions she’s been holding back since Arizona left. “Hi.”

 

* * *

 

_ after  _ —  _ january 2023 _

 

“Dr. Shepherd, can I have a word with you?”

 

Amelia looks up from the case file she’s writing notes in, her rough and scribbly handwriting something the nurses have always found difficult reading. She hates to play into the stereotype of doctors having awful penmanship skills, but for her, it’s true; ever since she was a child and could only hold onto crayons with an awkward, jittery hand, she’s been unable to write with anything but a quick, almost frantic technique that slants her words and rushes them all together. 

 

Amy dots a ‘t’ and closes the file as she raises her eyes, resting them on her visitor, who happens to be none other than Arizona Robbins. She gives the woman a weak smile and tries to calm the rapid beating of her heart. “Now?” she asks, a bit reluctantly.

 

Arizona nods, leaning a hip against the nurse’s station they’re standing at. “Now. But don’t worry, it’ll be quick. I just have a few questions about the consult you gave me this morning.”

 

Amelia bites her lip and debates whether or not to go with the woman. She’s already seen too much of her today, having bumped into her on the way inside and again when Arizona had asked for a consult. If she wanted to, she could make the excuse that she has patients or a surgery to prep for. But she knows how persistent Arizona is. If Amelia brushes her off now, she’ll just have to deal with the woman later.

 

“Fine,” Amy responds, nodding hesitantly and giving into the blonde. Arizona grins and starts moving down the corridor, motioning for her to follow. Amelia does, albeit a bit reluctantly, and lets Arizona pull her into the nearest room, which happens to be the attendings’ lounge. It’s vacant. With one swift move Arizona closes the door, and, much to Amelia’s chagrin, kisses her on the lips.

 

“I told you, we can’t do this at the hospital,” Amelia murmurs as she is backed up against the wall by her not-so-girlfriend. Arizona has never been one to abide by the rules, though, and so she just laughs and deepens the kiss. “It’s fun, though,” she says against Amelia’s lips. Amy can’t help but agree.

 

The brunette wraps her arms around Arizona’s neck, leaning into the woman as she peppers innocent kisses onto her neck. “Someone’s going to catch us, Zona. The door’s not even locked.”

 

Amelia is full on smiling, now, glowing in Arizona’s presence. They’ve been dating for almost four months. The path to forgiveness for the two had been rocky, but after a few weeks of Arizona’s incessant apologies and Amelia’s inability to actually stay mad at her, they’d made up and realized there was no point in fighting. It didn’t help that after the house sold, the only place Amelia could stay was at Arizona’s. Now, three months later, she’s completely moved in and staying with the blonde.

 

It had seemed fast, of course. Moving in with your girlfriend when you’d technically  _ just  _ started dating? Amelia had had reservations—a lot of them, actually. But the bottom line was that she’d been in love with Arizona forever. If they could survive six years of loving each other from afar, they could survive moving in together, right?

 

Right.

 

“Let them catch us, then,” Arizona says, holding Amelia tight against her. Amy can feel her smiling against her skin. “I’m sick of sneaking around with you, Amy. I want people to know about us. I want to be able to hold your hand in the hallway, and kiss you on the cheek at lunch, and walk out of the building with you without keeping a measured three-foot distance between us. I want you, Amelia, and I want people to know that.”

 

Amelia promptly pulls the blonde up from her neck so they can lock eyes. Her hands slide onto Arizona’s face and she cups her cheeks ever so gently, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “Really? You want to tell everyone?”

 

“I  _ need  _ to tell everyone,” Arizona responds, blue eyes shining in the way Amelia secretly loves. They’re intoxicating, her eyes. She could stare into them forever and never grow tired of it. “I’m going crazy over here.” She must be able to see the doubt and hesitation shadowing Amelia’s expression, because she leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to her cheek, just the kind of comfort Amy needs right now. “It’s been four months since the divorce. No one is going to suspect anything, and even if they do, it won’t matter, because I love you. They can say what they want, but it won’t change the fact that we’re in this together.”

 

Amelia sighs and bites her lip, weighing the pros and cons in her mind. Deep down, she knows Arizona is right. They’ve already wasted years of sneaking around, hiding in the shadows and flinching away from the light. Why continue that when they don’t have to anymore?

 

“Fine,” she says, finally letting the smile grace her lips. “We can tell people. But I want to do it at my own pace, and if people ask for details, don’t tell them anything because I’m not ready for—”

 

Amelia is interrupted by the door opening and swinging towards them. It hits Arizona on the side, only missing Amelia’s face by an inch. Their intruder ends up being Alex Karev. He raises a brow skeptically at the sound of the door slamming into something, but when he turns around and lays eyes on Arizona and Amelia up against the wall, he laughs and gives them a wicked grin.

 

“I knew you guys were banging! Ha!” He throws his hands up in what Amelia thinks is glee before shoving them back into his lab coat pockets and heading over to the coffee maker. “Jo owes me fifty bucks.”

 

“J-Jo?” Amelia sputters, letting out a shaky sigh and sliding out from against Arizona, who chuckles quietly and takes a few steps forward. 

 

“Yeah, Jo. She didn’t believe me, but I knew you guys were shacking up.” Alex shrugs nonchalantly as he fills up his coffee mug. “It’s obvious.”

 

Amelia blanches and puts her head in her hands. Arizona sidles up next to Alex and grabs a coffee mug herself, trying to suppress her laughter. “How obvious?” Amelia asks, ignoring the teasing smile Arizona throws over her shoulder at her.

 

Alex scoffs and pulls his mug out from the coffee maker. “Totally obvious,” he says, taking a sip. “You guys avoid each other like the freakin’ plague when you used to hang out all the time, and when you  _ are  _ together, you act all weird. Robbins stares at you with heart eyes, and you make that face.” He gestures at Amelia then. “See? You’re making it right now.”

 

Amelia shakes her head rigorously, trying to calm herself down and hide whatever face she’s apparently making. “No, I’m not,” she insists, watching as Alex makes his way towards the door. “I don’t make faces.”

 

Alex rolls his eyes and reaches for the doorknob. “Yeah, you really do,” he says, and with that, he’s gone.

 

Amelia heaves a deep sigh and collapses back onto the couch, already worn out with the idea of telling her coworkers about her relationship. She watches wearily as Arizona takes a sip from her coffee cup and walks over to the sofa, sitting down beside her. “So does this mean you’re officially my girlfriend?” she asks, dangling one leg off the end of the couch and tucking the other underneath her.

 

Amelia can’t help but smile at her words. “Yeah, I guess it does,” she responds, instantly feeling lighter. Arizona motions for her to move closer, and so Amelia leans back into her, relaxing in the woman’s embrace. Arizona wraps her arms around her from behind and takes one of her hands. “God, I’ve been waiting for years for you to say that.”

 

Amelia interlaces their fingers, her chest rising and falling in time with Arizona’s. “Me, too.”

 

.

.

.

 

“So, Alex tells me you and Arizona are a thing now.” It’s the first thing Meredith says to Amelia when she sees her for the first time that day.

 

They’re walking out of the hospital together, Meredith having noticed her a few feet back. She’d called for the younger woman to wait up, and Amelia, knowing she had no choice but to face her sister-in-law, had reluctantly done as told. 

 

She and Arizona had confessed their relationship to Alex this morning, and already the information has spread around the hospital like wildfire. April had given her a friendly smile and congratulated her when she went down to the ER for a consult, Richard had stopped her in the hall and told her he was happy for her, and Maggie, who has known of the relationship for months, was elated to know she could finally address them as a couple in public. Even Riggs, who had seemed disappointed when he learned of her divorce from Owen, had grinned and said she and Arizona seemed like a good match.

 

Needless to say, it’s been a busy and certainly overwhelming day.

 

Amelia glances down at Meredith’s words and rubs the back of her neck awkwardly, unsure of how the woman will react when she confirms that she and Arizona are in fact a couple now. They aren’t on the best of terms these days, haven’t been ever since Meredith discovered the affair in the first place. Then again, though, they’re pretty much  _ never  _ on good terms. She loves Meredith like a sister, really, but at the same time her constant disapproval is something Amelia will never get used to.

 

“We are,” she responds, casting a sideways glance over at the woman. 

 

Meredith gives her a look. “Officially? No more sneaking around the hospital, having secret rendezvouses in your office that I have the misfortune of walking in on?”

 

Amelia sighs, not ready to have to face this. Her coworkers and friends at the hospital have been nothing but supportive. Why can’t Meredith be the same? “Look, Mer, I’m sorry for what happened, but I’m not going to apologize for it just so—”

 

“Hey, I’m just asking,” Meredith says, cutting her off. She’s smiling now, a real, genuine smile gracing her lips, and it throws Amelia off guard. “I’m happy for you, Amelia. If you love her, if what you have is real, then you don’t have to apologize. I’m happy for you.”

 

Amy raises a brow and gapes at her sister-in-law, not quite sure if this is a joke. “Really? You… You’re not upset?”

 

Meredith rolls her eyes and fishes through her purse, eventually pulling out her car keys. “Why would I be upset? You deserve this.” She pauses for a moment, studying Amelia with those metallic blue-grey eyes that are impossible to read. “Derek always wanted you to find someone, you know. He was worried. He just wanted you to be happy with someone who could… who could really understand you. Arizona is that person.”

 

Amelia’s heart grows heavy at the mention of her brother and her eyes grow wet with tears, even as she smiles softly. “Thank you,” she says gently, both grateful and shocked that she finally has Meredith’s blessing.

 

Meredith just nods and moves out into the parking lot, scanning the sea of vehicles for her own. “You’re welcome,” she says, and smiles.

 

* * *

 

_ It ends where it begins: in a dark on-call room, with the sun setting outside and Amelia wrapped up in Arizona’s arms. It is right. It is all she has ever wanted in her life. _

 

_ “Hey, Zona?” Amy mumbles sleepily, burrowing deeper under the covers of the thin, beige blanket that is standard for all on-call rooms. They’d stolen a couple off the nearby cots to make their own bed more comfortable, but in all honesty, Amelia doesn’t need them. She will always be comfortable in Arizona’s arms, no matter where they are. _

 

_ “Mhmm?” Arizona’s voice is almost inaudible, muffled considerably by Amelia’s neck, where she’d nuzzled her face only a few moments before. She is exhausted. They both are. The surgeries lately have been endless, forcing them to spend nights in on-call rooms like these more than they’d care to admit. But at least they are together. _

 

_ (They always will be.) _

 

_ “Let’s get married?” she Amelia asks, surprised to find that there is no hesitation or fear in her voice. Instead her tone is calm and reassured, like they’d been discussing this for months now. _

 

_ Arizona pauses for a moment. Amelia waits in quiet anticipation for her answer. _

 

_ “Sure. If you want.” _

 

_ “But I’ll only do it if  _ you  _ want,” Amelia responds, a smile gracing her lips. Arizona sits up then, the cot shifting beneath them, but she keeps her arms wrapped firmly around the brunette. _

 

_ “Of course that’s what I want.” Her smile is blinding, bright and beautiful and everything Amelia has ever dreamed of. It mirrors her own. “I just feel like I’ve been married to you forever.” _

 

_ Amelia smirks. She can't argue with that. “Let’s make it official then, yeah?” _ __   
  


_ “Of course.” _

 

_ “And then we’ll have a bunch of babies and grow old together. Like they do in the movies.” _ __   
  


_ Arizona laughs. “If that’s what you want.” _

 

_ “I want  _ you,  _ Arizona,” Amelia responds, pulling the woman back down to lay beside her. Arizona smiles again, the way that makes Amelia get lost in her eyes even after all this time, all these years both together and apart. She thinks she’ll always get lost in them. _

 

_ Arizona leans down to kiss her cheek. “You already have me, Amy.” _

 

_ Amelia smiles, because it’s the truth. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and there you have it. thank you for following this story and waiting patiently for updates - both times it was posted. i am proud to say that this is the first multi-chapter fic i have ever completed. the majority of my writing goes unfinished, so it was nice to finally end something, especially with two characters i love so much.
> 
> again, thank you. and special thanks to my daughter theodora altman for being amezona's fairy godmother.


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